The only person that will truly show up for you in life is yourself. 6 and 6 is when I show up for myself, sunrise and sunset. I haven’t seen the sunrise in the past month. Why? Because I’ve been on Instagram. After writing Getting to Know Someone, without Getting to Know Someone, something happened… I remembered why I had started The Last Generation. I didn’t want someone to get to know me without getting to know me. If instagram is the new form of a home address, then the thing is, I don’t want anyone knowing where I live.
Will you remember who I am when I’m no longer @ ? I hope not, remember me for me.
I did, it’s true. I took a bat to my Benz.
*Song tracks go with the feel of the article - Song: Black Truck by Mereba
My Benz. Most people don’t know the story of what really happened to it. I got mad, very mad at her. There was a time when she made me feel like a million bucks. 370 horsepower into the night; she was my perfect escape. But as my map was rewritten, she no longer fit the roads I wanted to trail blaze through. People saw me in her and thought exactly what I didn’t want them to think. I didn’t want that type of attention. I have a thing about mirrors, I don’t like looking into them and every time I looked into the rear-view mirror, I saw the facade of someone, a young woman, or more so just a girl who wasn’t doing what she wanted. The truth was, my dream car was a beater truck to throw my bike and surfboard in and to get off the grid with. The symbolism of a beater truck meant freedom. With my Benz, I felt like I had no control over the things I enjoyed the most, like working with my hands to fix shit that broke and taking the rock flinging wild road. Every time it got scratched in the Whole Foods parking lot, the bill was hefty. If anyone was going to beat her, it was going to be me and that’s exactly that I did. She was paid off, why didn’t I just get rid of her? I was so scared of what other people would think if I got a shitty car, but more so I was ashamed of what I might think of myself. Who would I be without it? If I got rid of her, would she be my last, my last luxury car I’d ever be able to have? One thing is if you have a shitty car and upgrade, but more so than often a downgrade is not by choice. Would people still look at me the same? But wait, I thought I didn’t want that kind attention.
This has happened on many occurrences, when my entire body rejects my phone. Although I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “I’m a hypocrite at the top of her game,” I know when it’s simply just time. It’s very hard for me to make decisions, but when I know what I want, my mind is made up. How does a young woman get a brand new beautiful off-the-lot Benz? It’s because I get what I want when I truly want it, nothing can get in my way, and thoughts become things. I know so clearly what I want out of people now. I have high expectations and refuse to set them lower. The way I want people to get to know me is here, on The Last Generation, through my work. You are what you do, and here is where I’m doing, writing, researching, questioning, dreaming, and creating something that no one else is doing.
If you’re not doing the things you want to do, then you’re dying and instagram was killing me. I’ve had an IG account for seven years and it’s a place where I’ve completely reinvented myself. Like my Benz, it’s made me feel like a million bucks, but with the wrong eyes watching what direction I turned. I feel most free when I travel alone, because strangers expect nothing. For me, instagram became a box where people who thought they knew me expected something I didn’t want to give. I’m really someone that can’t be put into a box and that’s what instagram is, boxes. I’ve written about how who you follow matters and what if likes disappeared, but there were so many people I didn’t have the heart to unfollow or not like because I knew they’d take it as an insult when I just simply didn’t need to look at them every day. The people I once knew in person began to morph and change to match the life they curated on their instagrams.
I tip my hat and wag my finger and I say,
No thank you madam, I no longer want to be part of your guest list. I shall go to a meadow and hum a tune with the frogs and the birds and a white rabbit.🐇
As much as I didn’t want my likes and views to be transactional, they were. I didn’t have a choice. If I liked something because I honestly liked it, that person I liked paid me back with their thumbs. It made me feel ill. Your internet identity should be worth something and likes and follows are it’s current currency. I was part of the fucked up system of contributing to short lived oxytocin, a culture of allowing fake friends to be fake, and praising people more than I do Jesus. The truth is, I don’t give a fuck about what other people post, every story looks like a cry for attention including my own, I see right through the ### hoes, and IG doesn’t bring me joy. The more I posted, the more insecure I became.
When I stopped drinking for me, I found my courage, my heart, and I was no longer scared of what was to come. It all came down to getting control back. I made a list of the pros and cons of drinking and I couldn’t find one pro other than having a social life, which was a sad excuse. When I stopped swiping, I felt more dateable, confident, and true to myself. You are what you do and swiping someone and letting someone swipe you devalues your most valuable assets as disposable. The same goes for instagram. The more you post exaggerated incomplete stories for attention devalues the attention you deserve.
Took it to my good ol pen and paper to short my shit out.
The biggest pro is getting TLG out there, but I’m a problem solver, so it’s just time to get more creative.
A few weeks ago I asked a guy out over instagram, that I had met in person and seen in real life at my gym for eight years. Many friends of mine said,
“Oh that’s fine. That’s normal. A lot of people ask people out over instagram.”
I tried to convince myself that it was okay, but it ate away at me. Just like swiping, that’s not how I want to meet someone and more importantly I always want to be the warrior and it was cowardly. I know who I am and that’s just not me, it’s not how I do things, and that’s not what I want. I stopped dating for a year and it was the best year of my life because I just showed up for me every day, I posted on social media for me, I worked out for me, I looked in the mirror for me, and I spoke to people with presence and strength as me. When I made the decision to date again, I first asked myself, “Am I my ultimate self right now?” because you have to be your best self to meet someone and I’m truly ready to meet someone. I got back on dating apps, swiped, and every part of me knew and knows I’m not going to meet someone on my phone. I don’t have it in me to swipe, which lead me to asking this guy out, whom I had taken notice of for years, and the irony was I didn’t have the courage to do it in person, so I did it on instagram, a place that makes me uncomfortable, a place that I didn’t feel accurately represented me. Even after knowing he wasn’t interested, like many hopeful women, I still perused. The thing is, women who don’t play games always pursue and are overly transparent and the women that play games always fucking win. Thoughts become things and my gut is never wrong. After pretty much being politely rejected I kept running into the guy and because of this I started to pick myself apart, I’m so harsh. I was embarrassed and felt guilty for ever even asking. I’m the last person in the world that would ever want to make someone feel uncomfortable and he seemed so when I kept running into him. I even changed the time I was working out and I kepy running into him. I crumbled and got insecure and my ultimate self got shadowed by my lack of self love… what happened to being kind? What happened to just showing up for me? I was looking in the mirror more, looking at how my photos appeared on dating apps more, and what captions represented me best. Bumble gives you 120 words to put your best real you forward. I kept asking, “Does my IG account make me undateable?” Yes, I wouldn’t date social media me. I wouldn’t even “friend” social media me. I prayed about it, I reached out to my friends asking how I lost my confidence so fast and I learned something, in the matter of weeks I just stopped doing things for me and it just shows that you always have to be working on yourself. Every story on TLG has a moral because I live by them. I violated my own morals and self worth. Swiping, thumb liking, texting emotions- all actions that cowards normalized.
It’s taken me my entire 20s to know what I want, but it starts with knowing what you don’t want. I now know both.
• I don’t want to be swiping.
• I don’t want people to get to know me on instagram.
• I don’t want to get to know people on instagram
• I don’t want to ask a guy out ever because I value clarity and knowing if someone is interested. I’m an all in gal. When you know I’m in on anything in life, you know. That’s what I will be looking for in all my relationships with real humans going forward.
• I don’t want to give a guy a second thought who can’t see me. I want to stop devaluing myself when this happens.
• I don’t want to meet someone by playing a game.
• I want to be a mystery to my friends and strangers because that’s what makes great conversation and someone interesting.
• I don’t want to be a maybe.
• I want to be disconnected from my phone. (unfortunately I need Spotify at all times)
• I want someone to ask me out because I deserve that.
• I want love to come to me rather than me chasing it. I will never chase someone again.
• I want to just do me and maybe meet someone in the process rather than look.
Nothing I want in life requires my fucking phone or an online profile to achieve it. Yes, call me old fashioned, but at least I’m back to being a real human looking into real store windows. Are you in?👁
Song: Ouch by Phlake
So I’m back. Profile-less, just how I love it. Pretty only lasts for awhile, whats going to happen to all these instagram butt girls when their looks fade and butts go flat? I’m not trying to be pretty, words and ideas last much longer.
This all started yesterday, when I was at my lowest I had been in awhile. I first spoke to this great guy that once unfollowed me on instagram for being ridiculous. His words gave me of that feeling, that feeling of who I am and what I want. Then after a long talk with my beautiful friend who is getting married, she reminded me who I was and my worth. She wisely said that
if I sought someone who loved mirrors, then how could they ever truly look at someone else standing in front of them?
I went and ran for my light and as the sun set, that’s when it came to me, freedom from my phone. Personally, instagram, an app, weighed heavily on how I identified myself and others. When I feel something, I feel it so strongly and every part of my body said,
delete it that shit right now.
Like my Benz, I looked at my followers, my 370 followers, and thought “oh no, what if they forget about me. What if I can’t get them back? Will they think I failed?”
Who will I be without my Instagram?
Then I looked at my followers and like Kanye I realized the only person I 100% care about is me.
I couldn’t wait. My mind was made up. I stopped running and did it right there, on the beach as the sunset.
My only regret about deleting my instagram is that my phone died because I had to watch a youtube video to figure out how to delete IG, which meant I couldn’t run home listening to Kanye. I need music when I run, so 3 miles away from home, I walked and my regret soon chilled away as I heard Cardi-B on the Venice Beach Boardwalk sing.
“Said little bitch, you can’t fuck with me
If you wanted to
These expensive, these is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes”
Song: Bodak Yellow by Cardi-B
I’ve died before, I’ve felt what being buried in the ground feels like. It’s not that I’m trying to make my life more difficult or challenging, but rather I’m constantly listening to my gut and searching for the light because there’s a lot of darkness. You are what you do and my dream is to be someone’s hero one day. I can’t be a hero in a box. When darkness starts to show up, I know it’s time to run for my light. Instagram is a tool and a weapon. It’s taken me to beautiful unimaginable places and to dark corners of my conscience. My dream is The Last Generation and making people think and that is what I will be solely using social media for. TLG has an instagram, but it’s to follow for like. If and when it’s used, it’ll be to get TLG out there, for strangers, for the curious, and it to find people in unexpected places. If people enjoy what I do, then why not follow it, but this account is controlled. For me personally, you can find me here, in the present because the present is the present. If you really know me, then you know how to contact me and if you don’t, when there’s a will, there’s a way.
So what happened to my Benz? It went out like my instagram. When I’m done with something, I don’t leave a trace. Just like every asshole and every guy that’s blown me off. When I’m done, I’m done.
The good news is I’m just over it…. all thee above. Amen. 🙏🏾
The Last Generation👁
Our eyes are back open. Although there are no rules, TLG was never intended to be a space about just me or a journal of some sort. Culture is my thing, and that’s the direction I’m going in. I will be shifting toward more research and interviews and finding the moral in it all. Crypto Culture, Still Dreamers, and Lord Elon are what I will be writing more about. It’s time to push the TLG in it’s Ultimate direction.
Moral of the Story
When you feel like you can’t see yourself, remember that if you’re still breathing, you’re still in there. Remember who you are, what makes you beautiful, and keep moving toward your purpose. Remember who you are Simba.
I took a bat to my Benz, got a beater and never once regretted my decision. People started to see me for me and I hope that people can see me better now that it’s just me and TLG. Just do you show up for you, everything else is secondary.
Be like Kanye.
Problems with Millennials Blog by mel blanchard gong
Song: Be Like Kanye by Chainsmokers
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