Imagine if every tall shallow-man-child you knew woke up and was magically turned short for one year. Would they grow into real men? Imagine if short men were tall for a year, would they steam up into asshole lattés☕️ or would they be every single swiper’s dream? If a girl can ask how tall a guy is on an app then a guy has the right to ask what her weight is. Game on.
They come in all shapes and sizes. Their bank accounts will always have a different sum. They drive Mini Coopers, lifted trucks, shiney Mercedes Benz, used Teslas, Ducati’s, fixies, Bird Scooters and prefer a good lease on luxury. A lease is usually favored, you know, so they can trade them in when they wear them out and the miles wrack up. Yes, I’m referring to the overpopulation of assholes. No it’s not just tall men, shorties and woman can be assholes too. I know this because I used to be one.
Fall is in the summer air🍂☀️. It’s 86 degrees in lux LA, I’m still not 30🙋🏼♀️, and just today Starbucks released their ever so basic pumpkin spiced lattes🎃. I’ve already had two! We just had a full moon🌕, we are in Virgo♍️- my “disappointed goddess seeking goodness in humankind” sign. Spooky uncoincidental shit 💩is happening and thus the ghost of Taylor Swift enters me and my hands quiver as I write in my spell book! It’s never to early to boil some toads!🐸
*LISTEN TO AUDIO OF MAGIC SPELL! MAGIC IS REAL.
I have a lot of shame, but as my one and only roommate I ever had in 2008 used to say “DGAFFF!” 💃🏼Clearly I wasn’t meant to live with other people.
So much pun intended here.
Track goes with feeling of article... The Way I am by Charlie Puth
Right when I think I’ve met them all, assholes, they manage to take the wanting to have sex with them right out of me. It’s quiet brillant really, when a good looking man makes you not want to have sex.
There is a surplus of assholes hiding everywhere you walk, talk, smile, and swipe. Be careful where you match! Could you imagine if there were a shortage of assholes? We need them, they remind us of our worth and what we don’t want in someone.
Note, nice guys and gals can be assholes. Being deep down ‘nice’ is an entirely different trait. A cute nice dog who loves you might still shit on your bed.🐶💩 You know? My dog doesn’t do this, but I’ve heard stories.
To preface, the tallest man I know is 5’5″. His name is J-Ho and he throws me through windows on his shoulders when I’m in panic, evenly spreads the butter through my Moviepass popcorn, and is always high, always very very high💨. I never knew he was the same height as me until today, I look up when I see him, and I wouldn’t have him any other way.
Although being apex predators💪🏾and finding a mate you are physically attracted to has always been a factor in dating and humping, mirror mirror insta wall has changed the game in what we look for in a lover. We’re animals. We want someone that looks similar to us . A woman wants a hunter, someone they think can protect her, which is why the majority of women will always be initially attracted to tall muscular men. Men will always love boobs and peachy cheeky bums for the same reason🍑, fertilization. I always look for new ways to shame myself and recently I’ve been ashamed of how I swipe. I went 8 months without swiping, go to Kauai, get lonely on the island, and boom relapse. They call me Tinderella, always looking for love and disappearing all at the same time👟. For guys on dating apps, there’s an unspoken rule to put their height on their digital dating card that they get 120 letters to describe themselves on. I don’t think I have a type when it comes to height, but there’s something about when you see the number of a guy’s height on a dating app that rubs me the wrong way and I’ve started to notice something, guys who aren’t your tallest-tool-in-the-shed seem to be a lot nicer, they always follow up (with me at least). For whatever reason this subject has come up a lot in conversation over the past week and last night the glass tipped, someone pissed me off.
Recently I swiped past someone I knew, Scott. A year ago I met him on Craigslist. Yup! I did! I was selling my surfboard 🏄🏽♀️and he wanted to buy it and he sounded sexy on the phone and we started to text, then send photos (PG), and before you know it I’m watching Game of Thrones ⚔️with him and his dog on his couch (I’ve got a thing for couches). He was actually TLG’s first my first typo bitch, but he quit before I could pay him. 💸Needless to say, we weren’t meant to be, I friend-zoned him and then he unfriended me all together, but he was a good looking guy and most of all a good guy. On his Bumble profile, he wrote all these great things about who he is and his qualities, but at the end of it he put “5’8”. I wondered why Scott would reduce his profile down to his height and he responded,
I’m ashamed to say that if I hadn’t known Scott, I’d probably swipe left just because of that number, but truthfully Scott was tall to me. If he never would have put his height and he showed up on a date, it never would have even crossed my mind. It’s not that it’s a bad height, it’s just I’m a Tom Boy that still wants to feel like a damsel (always in distress) and prefer to not feel bigger or fatter than a guy, and that’s shallow. He was really cute, well spoken, interested in me, and I never once noticed his height. It made me sad to think all these girls are swiping left on a guy like him, for some lucky girl out there, he’s a fucking catch.
Normally I conduct surveys, but the blunt truth is I bet every woman in LA has swiped past guys just because of their height. Did you know just full grown Justin Bieber is like 5’7″?
My best friend Pat, whom I have loved for 13 years, is new to dating. He’s innocent and I want to protect him. After grad school he moved home to build a startup and hasn’t dated in forever, I think he might be a reborn virgin, like the kind that can light the black flame candle and make witches go cray. The other night, as I walked alone, Pat and I talked over the phone about dating. Pat is cute AF to say the least and he asked me “I might go on a dating app, I hear it’s a thing girls want to know how tall you are, is that true?” Shame on me. I will always tell Pat the truth, but Pat is 5’10” and even if he was as tall as Tyrion Lannister, shame on anyone who swipes left on Pat or asks the question “How tall are you?”… He’s a fish there is not plenty of and I will cut any hoe that tries to cut him first.
I’m not sure what fucking full moon pumpkin spice 🎃twinkle dust✨ is going on in the air, but I’m breaking my another-one-bites-the-dust records this week. All I gotta say is
I’m going to give you the moral to this story now and I hope by the end of it, all tall men turn short for a day or until they get it. The moral, sometimes the ones you don’t see are the ones that should be looked at… or to simplify it, you couldn’t pay me to fuck Shallow Hal. Take it how you will.
🤦🏻♂️“How much would you have to be paid to fuck that guy? Like a million?”
🤦🏻♂️“Yeah you know, like that movie Indecent Proposal with Robert Redford?” flagellated Raul (pronounced with a Puker in the lips or Perhaps more of a Pout of the mouth in the beginning syllable), a tall used-to-be-handsome man who I’ve been very slowly going on dates with for the past five months that always brings up porn every time I see him.
It’s true, short men do work harder. Yes, short men can 10000000% be assholes, but tall guys really are 100000000% more likely to be noticed by women and Raul is one of them. You can’t miss him, he’s physically perfect. Fact versus Fantasy is a reoccurring dysmorphic issue I uphold and is part of the reason why I got rid of instagram. I didn’t want to judge or fabricate a story about someone or assume shit about the moments we don’t see on IG. Raul was who inspired the article Getting to Know Someone Without Getting to Know Someone, but now I’m thinking maybe I was wrong, I think his IG represents him so beyond accurately. All he follows is butt girls and celebrities, yet he told me how annoyed he was with butt girls posting their butts with inspirational quotes that had no contextual relationship to their photos.
My best friend saw his IG and the first thing she texted was “Are you kidding me” and I got mad, so mad! I argued what a nice guy he was and you can’t judge someone by their photos or IG. I went on to say he had a lot of humility and he just seemed different to me, like he had that something special. I’m learning I’m not the best judge in men, even short men, they get me every single time. I’ve looked deep down as to why I was attracted to Raul, a guy that never called or asked “How are you?” and I now believe it was because he was tall and handsome. If he were small and normal, but acted in the same manner, there wouldn’t even be a second week yet alone five months. It’s like my dog, if she were an ugly dog, off to the pound!.. but she’s cute, too ga dam fucking cute.
The last date I went on with Raul I knew he wasn’t someone I wanted to go out with again. Up until before then, we started to develop a nice friendship, but I know what I want. I want to be someone’s dream girl and I want someone to want to see me again so bad that they make plans for next time before the end of a date. Raul never contacted me, I contacted him and I should have known then because that’s not what I want. Raul has a dating coach and he told me “I’m dating. I’m not looking to get serious with anyone right now. I’m not trying to court you because you seem like a nice girl and I’m dating.” This came from a guy who explained “it’s nice to feel wanted, to have a woman really want to be where you are.” After that, it was gone for me. What girl would want someone who didn’t want to court them? I’m the most chivalrous woman you’ll ever meet because that’s what I want in someone else. Raul couldn’t even wait for my uber to show up before he bounced, leaving me waiting on the street. I’d wait for my own friends whether it was date or just a random whatever. Why I went out with him again, I guess the virgo in me looks for the good in people. Raul tried to play, “I’m busy for the rest of the month but I like you and want to see you again.” Boy bye.👋🏾 I’m getting back to why this article is about height.
Beat is Go Flex by Post Malone
I had a feeling he liked the chase, which is a game I am unable to play because I’m not one to be chased, I’m here – present. Tonight he saw me at the gym talking to another guy who happened to be as tall as him and I just had a feeling and my feelings are seldom wrong. Raul did something he’s never done before, he went out of his way to come find me and talk to me while I was stretching with my hair covering my face. His first comment was a sexual remark, “Not sure what you’re trying to do there with your hair in your face and those moves you are making. Looks like you’re trying to show your ass off.” I looked behind me and there was no one to show my ass too. He said something about being turned on… Like what? Out of all the things he could have said. I smiled, didn’t feel like myself, and giggled it to the past. He tells me he’s going on a date in an hour, just came to the gym for a quickie, and then he mean-girls someone I’m very fond of.
There’s a man I’ve been meaning to talk to. I’ve observed him training a women with extreme muscular dystrophy for years and she’s improved a miracle amount because of him. I love watching him, he’s a light. To train this women, you have to be a good person because her case is so severe that kindness is the strongest skill a trainer would need. Always smiling, he also holds night aerobics classes and encourages people to get up and go. You can just tell what a extra ordinary human he is and I’ve always wanted to compliment him. His physical traits are identical to a Thai man, except for he’s in great shape and has a blonde mohawk. If we were in South East Asia, he’d be considered very good looking. For no reason, Raul pointed him out and asked me how much it would take for me to fuck this man, remarked that he was unattractive, and he then made fun of his mohawk.
My heart kind of broke, I guess thought more of Raul, but again fact versus fantasy. I impressed,
“He seems like a kind and intelligent person who works hard. Why would you ask me something like that?”
Raul laughed, “So you’d do it for free?” Then he back pedaled saying he’s joking of course and barfs out,
“But he’s short.”
There he was, a man child I already held higher up than he was, a man child who won the genetic lottery was looking down at someone he knew nothing about. I can’t imagine what he thinks of everyone else. His head is so far up in the digital clouds that it’s been polluted in IG hoes and Pornhub dicks. He’s forgotten what a real human looks like. Apparently Raul didn’t get the memo, he was going to get old one day and his looks just started to fade.
🙋🏼♀️💪🏾I reflexed, “There’s nothing wrong with being short. Short guys have to work so much harder. Short guys know how to call a girl.”
🤦🏻♂️ “Oh, now we’re getting somewhere. I’m glad I came over.” He walks away without saying bye. At first I felt like I did something wrong, but I didn’t and only an asshole makes a human feel that way. Naturally, my virgo superhero kicked in, I walked up to sweet mohawk man and finally introduced myself. His name is Richard.💕 It meant so much to him that I noticed the improvement of his client. He gave me such a sincere hug and you can’t put a price on that feeling.∞💰∞
It’s funny because Raul seems so small to me now and YOU COULDN’T PAY ME TO FUCK HIM.
Not even my entire student loan amount.
Chapter – I’m an asshole too.
Something else significant and magical happened this week that ties into the moral.
“This would only happen to you.”
chatted my phone bestie Pat during my lonely-by-choice night walk; my other bestie jinxed Pat on the sitch.
Two years ago when I used to drink and swipe a lot, I swiped right on a writer for Vice, Marco. At the time, I stupidly felt Marco wasn’t like his photos, not physically, but vibely! He looked loud in his swipes, but spoke so soft that I could barely hear him. He was brilliant, kind, interested in me, but I was Shallow Hal and already made my mind up that I wasn’t interested in him romantically, therefore I wasted his time and money for some drinks. 🍷🍷🍷We got drunk and as he walked me to my bike he went in for it, he kissed me. 😘💋😙 Instead of being honest, I kissed him back and au revoir’ed bye.Later he texted me saying he really enjoyed meeting me and asked when he could see me again. I was in a dark place disposing of swipe men left and right, LITERALLY, and he was just another one I took a shot at and swallowed up. Without even thinking I responded, “Thanks so much for the good time, but I didn’t really want to be kissed and felt you were too forward.” He felt terrible, apologized, and then my heart reminded me he was human and I was in a hole🕳; I was living in my own asshole. It wasn’t that his voice was quiet, it was that I wasn’t listening, you know, with my soul. I couldn’t take it back, I texted “I’d love to be your friend.” or some bullshit like that. I’ve always remembered that time and moment and it’s something I’m not proud of. He wasn’t too forward and I was a bitch.
This week on Monday, I read a Vice article about what Gen Z thinks of Millennials. I loved the style and tone of the writing and looked into the writer. I learned this writer writes about my dream subjects from QAnon to weird twitter accounts to everything blunt culture. If I were to write about anything, it’s everything this writer is writing about. I copy and pasted his name into facebook, saw his small thumbnail photo and thought “He’s cute,” added him, and messaged him asking to meet up for writing advice.
Just like that, I reached out to my dream writer and we were going to meet in Ktown. Due to my current situation of hopelessness, I couldn’t have been more grateful and excited. I am always early to everything🐇, so with five minutes to spare I decided to look 👀at the writer’s photos so I knew what he looked like and then something came over me. 🙇🏼♀️ KTown. Vice writer. Pale face. OMG! No! No fucking way. I started to talk to God, “Please God no. It can’t be. After everything, you wouldn’t do this to me. OMG it’s him. He’s going to blacklist me! No. No way, the world is too fucking big. It’s not him.” I made up my mind it wasn’t him, but I knew it was because I got hungry and shaky like a diabetic or someone just completely phucked.
He showed up. Yup! Marco, my dream writer who I lead on and then castrated two years before, shook my hand. I could have been anyone I wanted to be, I probably could have gotten away with not saying anything. Marco doesn’t know my story, how I died. All I wanted to say was “I’m a different person” and I think I did, but there are no words for the shame I had and how much I wanted to fix it. I never want to hurt anyone and thinking of that time breaks me up, how lost I was. I’m lost now, probably always will be, but the pain I was going through then, there are no words for. I’ve worked so hard on improving who I am and I had really hoped all my hauntings were behind me.👻
I can’t lie and he deserved the truth, so right away I told him.🐝 He said he didn’t want coffee and he was going to go to the bathroom. I thought he slipped out the back and bounced, I would have deserved it. It’s rare I’m an asshole to anyone, but if there was ever a time I deserved to be treated like an asshole it was then by him and like I explained, men constantly surprise me. He really did just go to the bathroom. We went on a walk, talked about culture and IG hoes and 4chan, and I saw him so differently from the quiet guy I swiped right on then dismissed in the first five minutes of meeting him. I wasn’t looking at him as a dating perspective, but rather as a balls-out writer with such wit and learned that the reason why he speaks so soft is because his weapon is his writing; that shit is lion rumbles and dolphin calls🐬. He presented me with wonderful constructive advice, a cynical truth, and treated me with kindness. All I feel is shame and wish I could make him my friend. I’m glad I didn’t recognize who he was, we were meant to meet again… no coincidences. 🙏🏾
For the record, I have no idea how tall Marco is, could be 5’4” or 6’3”… He was bigger than Raul on every level, that’s for sure.
It really is the people you don’t look at. I see so differently now, this past year has been the best year of my life and also the most difficult because I’m just trying to keep my eyes open when my asian eyelids are starting to sag.
So, how do you prefer to be measured? Inches or pumps of Pumpkin Spice?
💫Beetle barf🤮, wiggle wormy🐛, bitches are basically bad witches.🔮🧙🏼♀️
Track: My Type by Chainsmokers
I tell ya, put some pumpkin spice in me and there’s no telling what magical shit I’ll regurgitate. I never promised I was a mature almost 30-year-old. I can’t tell you what type of witch I’ll be in my 30s. Writing is my Gandalf Stick, I guess writing this is my way of protecting myself. I’m just attracted to the wrong guys. Not all tall guys are assholes nor are small guys less manly, but there is a reoccurring theme I see in men who are just lucky to stand a bit higher and have a silhouette that blocks the sun… Good thing, I prefer as much daylight as possible.
I can’t decide if I’m Charlotte or Carrie, but the older I get the more relevant and real Sex in the City becomes. If there’s one thing I can say about my 20’s it’s I really dated in my 20’s. I didn’t have a lot of sex, but I dated. I’m hoping my 30’s will be less dating and more sex. No STD’s or abortions to date, went on an sexy escapade to London once, so I guess I’m doin’ alright!
Finding my Person
My type is changing. There are some women that have boyfriend after boyfriend, cast their spell and then end up engaged, but as convenient as that type of magic may be, I’ve always known that isn’t how it’ll happen for me. I’m lucky to have found love once and if it ever comes along again, it will be rare, a little difficult, and I know I’ll know. I have a secret, it’s so deeply painful that the only thing I can compare it to is being raped and it is not something I openly talk about (saving it for my book). I’m lucky to be able to move my body and to have legs because of what happened. I used to be an avid runner, but can no longer run like I used to, so I walk a lot. Sometimes when I go on walks for hours at night, I feel alive, like I’m quietly venturing somewhere in the dark. Before I deleted my Bumble profile again, it stated,
“I’m an old school classic, like that asian kid in the Goonies or a Nintendo 64. Just looking for a nice guy to go on walks with… all over the world.”
I don’t care about someone’s height, weight, job, age, or car… I just care how I move with them. I’ve been asking guys to go on walks with me and the reactions have been foretelling as much as entertaining. The more I treat people like humans, the less they treat me like one. I want to move through life with someone and so far when I ask guys to go on a walk I either get ghosted forever, asked if I smoke pot, propositioned for sex, texted hours later by the time it’s too late, or asked to sit down after walking for 5 minutes. I guess that’s why God made dogs. I’m kew with that.
The Moral of the Story
Don’t text me and be an asshole at the same time. Paper trail allll day.👊🏾
Always a hypocrite! I’m an asshole that will never forget anything.
THE MAGIC SPELL AGAIN IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
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written by mel melanie blanchard gong of the last generation