But does he come from a ‘good family?’
I always say that the person I end up with probably won’t have a family, because I don’t have one and it’s an experience that only those who have fully accepted and embraced they weren’t born into a good family can understand. I want a good family, but I want to choose mine and build it. How many people can truly say that they have made the conscious decision to choose their family? If you’ve said it, then this choice was probably birthed from shame. I don’t feel worthy to be with someone who comes from a good family because this is the way society and my friends have standardized family. By not being born into a good family, I’m automatically shamed, like something in me will stay broken because of the choices my parents made… and maybe this is true.
To my friends with a good family who only search for someone with a good family, I wish you luck with the one you create.
By today’s standard, a ‘good family’ means:
- Having parents that aren’t divorced and or are remarried all get along
- Close siblings
- Having grown up in a nice home with happy holidays
- Little to no dysfunction or appearance of no dysfunction to outsiders
- Having a family name with notoriety
- A family that can afford college tuition
- Coming from money
A good family, they do exist, but sadly I was not born into one.
Am I a red flag?
Am I instantly checked off a box for the majority of men I am attracted to? The men I’m attracted to are generally white, educated, athletic, and well traveled (a.k.a. every woman’s dream man).
Every circumstance is different and people are complicated, but being a single 20-something today means that dating is either yes or no.
Swipe left or swipe right, there is no middle. Do you check the boxes?
I’m lucky to have some beautiful single girlfriends born into good families. I often feel like the black sheep with them, but I prefer to identify with a white one – a blank canvas filled with light. They all know I don’t come from money or come from a good family yet alone have a speaking relationship any of my blood relatives, but when they describe the positives about a dateable man, they lead with where he went to college, if he is tall, what he does for a living, and if he comes from a good family (meaning wealthy and parents that aren’t divorced). They’re all dating, all on dating apps, and every time they meet a guy, he’s got to check the boxes of a superficial criteria. Despite my lack of a ‘good family,’ I am guilty of this too.
But what does it really mean to come from a good family? Does coming from a good family determine your spouse’s future? If one person comes from a good family and the other does not, does that mean they aren’t compatible?
If you are lucky enough to be born in America with good family, then you’ve instantly won two lotteries out of the 7.5 billion people on this planet. If you were also born white, then hell you’ve hit the jackpot.
This subject is near to my heart and I am sensitive about it. A good family would be really nice. I can’t imagine a life with no college debt. I can’t imagine my childhood because I didn’t have one. I can’t remember a Christmas without tears. I now spend holidays alone and it’s always sad and never gets easier. The first time I spent a holiday with a family was with my ex-boyfriend and it felt so warm and heartbreaking all at the same time. I loved his family, but it just never felt quite right, like they weren’t meant for me.
“In America, there is one divorce approximately every 36 seconds” – Google Search
Recently I met a man, lets call him Sweet Jordan (Note* I wrote this before he GHOSTED ME. His name is Casper now). He explained that by standard definition, it would appear he came from a good family, his parents are married, but he’s not close with them or his siblings. I felt an instant relief, like my shame had washed away. It was a justification that probably who ever I end up with, will be a little like me. It’s a deep unexplainable feeling that only those who’ve accepted can understand.
To better understand if not coming from a good family is a red flag I asked twenty single women and twenty single men via text:
“You meet a nice normal person. Not rich or poor but has goals. You have a decent connection. They tell you they don’t come from a good family, meaning parents are divorced and they’re not close with their siblings. Yes or No, does this change your opinion of them as someone you’d want to be with?”
The responses BLEW MY MIND, heart, and expectations.
4 out of 20 men responded YES.
16 out of 20 woman responded YES.
What blew me away wasn’t the yes or no answers, it was how I was responded to.
Women responded like men and men responded like women!
The majority of woman texted me a simple yes or no, with maybe a sentence or two, but the men wrote me questions and paragraphs and were emotionally invested in the scenario. A few couldn’t even come to a conclusion.
My first thought was woman have gotten men all wrong. Women have become much for definitive in the world, stark, emotionless, and direct, which is how we once would describe a man.
My second thought was feminism is complete bullshit, which I will fully dive deeper into on a later day, but like for real.
FEMINISM IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT!
Look, real feminism isn’t bullshit. Woman’s equal right to equal pay, reproductive rights, health care, and social justice are all very important to fight for, but is this MARKETED feminist movement going to far? We’ve become man haters.
Woman want it all, or so they say. They want to take pride in building a family and home, yet it’s a deal breaker if they can enter someone else’s. At the end of the day, it’s basic human instinct. Woman want a hunter that will provide and a strong community to help them. They don’t want complete independence and if they have the luxury, they sure as hell don’t want the guy trying to make a better life for himself, they want the guy who was born into a better life.
In Los Angeles, it’s apparent woman want the ring, the house, the car, the title, the body, the big wedding, and the loyal man with a good family.
But what do men want?
Men seem to want a woman they feel connected to, emotionally invested in, and someone to love for a long time.
Maybe I’m not a red flag after all.
(*Note: I’m eloping, maybe a surf wedding when I become a better surfer)
Responses From Women
Responses From Men
THE BEST RESPONSE FROM A MAN
A 27-year-old woman goes on two dates with two different men.
There once was boy born into a ‘good family.’ His mom and dad were married, he was the middle child of three with a younger sister and an older brother. He grew up in a nice house in an upper class neighborhood, he went to the best schools, played sports, and his college was paid for. Sounds like he’d grow up to be a decent man, a man a single 20-something-year-old woman today would say “He went to an ivy league and comes from a good family. Marriage material.” when describing the guy to her friends.
But what makes a good family and why does it matter?
What this woman didn’t know or care to know was although his parents were still together in their nice looking home filled with family photos, his mother lacked confidence and was weak. His father cheated on his mother all throughout his life and was not a good father figure – leaving his older brother estranged and his younger sister desperate and insecure like many women with daddy issues. The family still came together during the holidays, ate dinner and took a family photo, but no one really knew each other and every time they tried to get along, dysfunction would occur.
His parents were well off because his grandparents invested wisely. He had no financial worry and a trust fund that would last him a lifetime. His mother never made him do chores and he was never punished when he fought with his brother or put his sister down. Being the middle child, he felt overlooked and powerless, like no one in his family listened or understood him. He was tall for his age and found he felt most powerful when he bullied other kids. He grew up to be an asshole.
He is now 28, his trust fund still pays his rent and his parents throw more money at him every time he has a problem. He has not learned to stand on his own and has no direction despite going to college. In college he got two DUI’s and still parties like he’s 20 every night. He has a nice car, a faded close shave, wears Tom Fords and girls flock to him. Because he’s almost 30, he thinks it’s time to settle down, so he takes a shower, swipes on Bumble for the best looking but educated girl, meets her and tell her his mom and dad are still together and makes it clear he comes from money. He dates her along with a few other girls on the side for a year, breaks up and gets back together still parties, and then proposes… with a pre-nup attached.
There was a boy born into a very similar situation as the young man before except he wasn’t born into money or a nice house, his parents were never married, and his brother and sister have different dads. He didn’t go to the greatest schools and got beat up occasionally on his walk home. He learned about ‘the streets’ and how to talk himself out of any situation through reading people and intuition. He didn’t have the greatest mother, she was always sick – if it wasn’t the flu it was something else, but he did everything he could to make her feel comfortable from doing laundry to cleaning the house. She wasn’t a great mom, but she did love him and made sure did his homework. He dreamt of owning a pair of Air Jordans, so at 16 he got a job at McDonalds, saved his money, and got his shiny red kicks. This was what triggered his work ethic. Knowing he wanted to have more and that he was smart, he studied hard and went to a 4 year top UC College for computer science. His non-existent father made too much money, so he did not qualify for financial aid and had to take out a hefty-sum of student loans to support himself. Even with student loans, he worked all throughout college at the campus coffee house, at the outdoor recreation center, and as a teacher’s assistant.
He is now 28, a young computer engineer that works for and helped launch a tech startup in Los Angeles and is also working on his own start up venture. He has let go of the fact that his father didn’t want him and unfortunately the only time he hears from his mother is when she needs to be taken care of and from his brother and sister when they hit him up for money, so he has made the conscious decision to move on with his life without them for the sake of his own mental health.
He is not perfect, but he’s ready for a serious relationship, knows he wants a family one day, is doing decent for his age, and has learned from the mistakes he’s made in his past relationships. He has student loan debt, but has goals, a winning personality, and truly believes he’ll pay it off. One night he goes out with a woman on Bumble, he’s honest about his family and he thinks the date went great. He never hears from her again. The next month the start-up he works for goes public… Need I say more?
I chase assholes, so Man Child Numero Uno still seems more appealing because he doesn’t have to play it safe, and I personally hate playing anything safe or by the book. How sad. I’m sure I’ll be eating these words down the road. No wonder why I’m still single.