Everyone is disposable when you can swipe in your underwear.
Be a man. What does that phrase even mean? Or man up. The traits associated with being a man come down to bravery. Looking at someone or something for what it is and cutting to the chase. Suggesting to be a man automatically emasculates someone, even a woman. If you’re not a man, then you’re deprived of a certain form of heroism. Why do superheroes where masks in the first place? To shield their identity. If their a regular man, they are no longer super.
A common theme in my life is not being given closure, men never end it with me, they never say goodbye or give an explanation as to why things ended the way they did. They’ve all simply disappeared. These are all men that have entered my life outside of technology. I’ve seen the disappearing act so many times that you’d think I’d figure out how the trick works, but each time it 🙁 and never gets easier… there is no magic behind this trick, just a lack of bravery.
I asked 20 men & 20 TLG women if they’ve ever Ghosted someone:
18/20 men said Yes.
19/20 woman said Yes.
“I guess I ghost woman in fear of letting them down, but in reality I’m letting them down. It’s childish. I don’t know why I do it.”
– Scott, 33 (Hinge Dater)
Every situation is different but does it make a difference? If you date someone for two years or a week, you have put in an effort to getting to know a human being, is it acceptable to consciously ignore them? If you do blow someone off, what does that say about you? Today, it’s so easy to vanish. We’ve made it acceptable to have intimate conversations over text messages rather than face-to-face. (Oh the destruction of what a single text message can do.) You can go on a date with someone from Bumble, not give your phone number, and delete them from your Bumble without ever giving an explanation. The person you went out with may never see you again, it makes it easy to blow someone off; there’s zero consequence on your end. The question then comes down to, do you owe someone an explanation? It’s dating, ‘modern’ dating.
The only person you should ever owe something to is yourself, so do yourself a favor and remember how you would like to be treated.
Rejection never feels good. Most of us fear rejection so unconsciously that it holds us back from doing the things we love in fear of failing or starting or finishing or even thinking differently. Yes rejection sucks, but why is it so hard to reject someone? (Check out the master of rejection, Jia Jiang, who was rejected for 100 days) Think about it, you have all the power to end a situation on a high-dignified note, yet both men and woman chose to let the person on the other side of their phones wondering “what if” or “what’s wrong with me.” Often someone will keep trying to a point where they feel like they might come off desperate even if they aren’t. The sun rises and it sets, we all seek knowing when things end so we know when to let the light back in… Plus it just makes it less awkward if you run into each other.
I’m guilty of ghosting men, but I’ve always prided myself on being a brave woman and often describe myself as “the most chivalrous gal you’ll ever meet.” Although flawed, I will always look someone in the eye, open their door, and be completely honest; thus I hope for the same in return. It surprises me how little we’ve all become. I’m a tom boy and after many years of fuckups and growing pains, I’ve figured out that because when growing up I didn’t have a man in my life, I became both the man and woman I was lacking, thus came chivalry. When I first started dating on apps, even if I wasn’t interested in a guy, I would feel bad and continue to text him until he finally got the point that I probably wasn’t going to see him again. It got exhausting fast, I didn’t owe him anything, and soon I began to just not respond after a first date. That too felt exhausting. I then started to text guys right away after the first date and just thank them and tell them I wasn’t interested. Almost every guy always responded “Thank you for letting me know.” That felt a bit better, but why did I waste both our time and energy if I already knew throughout the date that it wasn’t going to work?
We are unconsciously dating, swiping is unconscious.
App dating is exhausting, you never know what you’re going to get, you build some type of anticipation, it took you at least a few hours or days and for some people weeks to go out, and in the first 5 minutes most people know if there’s an attraction or compatibility for the date to continue. After one too many dates, I met yet another man that I instantly knew I wasn’t interested in. For the both of us, I couldn’t sit through another one of these. Before the waitress could take our drink order I politely looked him in the eye and said, “Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me tonight. Dating is so confusing, I don’t want you to waste any more of your time or money, and I always want to be a standup person. I don’t think we’re compatible. You seem like a really nice guy (and he was), but I’m just got feeling it.” He stared blankly at me for a solid twenty seconds and with a sigh of relief he said “Thank you. I wish I could do that to 99% of the girls I meet.” We took a long awkward ride down the Santa Monica Shangra-la Hotel elevator and wished each other a nice life. I don’t think he ever thought about me again because there would be no reason to. I saw where the date was going within the first 30 seconds of introduction, and possibly before. He was going to talk all night, think the date went well, say we should hang out again and I’d say “for sure,” but then I’d have to text him and tell him I wasn’t feeling it. I saw the future because I had been playing the same playlist on repeat.
There are no rules to dating. The wait three days to contact someone is bullshit. Waiting to sleep with someone is bullshit. If you like someone and want to talk to them, then be you and reach out. If you sleep with someone right away, then communicate and ask questions and know what to expect after. There is no such thing as meaningless sex. The word “meaningless” has meaning and there’s a reason why someone is seeking “meaningless.” Relationships end up dysfunctional because people are trying to create situations that didn’t come naturally by playing games or painting their world with rose colored Warby’s on.
If you can swipe someone in less than a second, then you shouldn’t have to sit on a date for an hour just to be polite. You should be able to walk away just as fast without feeling like a bad person, but with swiping we forget there is a human being on the other end and if you meet with a human you should treat them like one regardless of how they look or what they say. Although there are no real rules, there is the rule that has stood the test of time; the Golden Rule.
Do unto others as they would do to you.
Yes. I’ve heard app dating horror stories and yes some girls want a guy to pick up the tab and yes most guys want ass… But I’ve noticed a shift as I’ve reached my late twenties, people’s wants change.
For the first time in my life, I was ghosted by a guy I met on an app. His name WAS Jordan. After two dates, I had a few major life shifts from a friends death to a huge personal dilemma and I disappeared. I honestly couldn’t speak to anyone, not my friends or friend family, I just shut down, but he didn’t know that. I unknowingly ghosted him along with everyone I knew. Stupid me. Finally when my apparition took focus, I reached out to him, apologized, explained my situation, and he had a very respectful response, “You owe me nothing. If you weren’t feeling it, don’t worry about it.” The thing was, I liked him, I was feeling it, and I felt regret for blowing him off. I invited him to my house to watch Game of Thrones (the Finding Jamie episode).
We talked for a few hours, I personally saw the light that night and was like ‘I really like this guy.’ It’s rare I feel comfortable to be open about my family situation and even invite a guy over. We had a lot in common and he seemed like an actual nice guy… but I soon learned his real name, Casper.
He texted me he got home that night and poof! Because I am more of a “fuck it”rather than a “fuck that” gal, I’d figure I’d give it one last try to get the full rejection.
I’m still wondering “what if,” because even with all the apps in the world, I’m human. He owes me nothing. As they say in poker, bad beat.