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Swipe right if you have a million dollars, 100k followers, tight skin, a solid gold vagina, and you'll pay for my dinner. MBA from Harvard required. When 30-something eggs fry up. #undateable

Fact versus Fantasy. To be or NOT to be a BUTT GIRL.

in Almosts/Die Trying/Swipe by
The last generation, the last gen, tlg, Mel Blanchard gong, millennials, culture, American dream, student debt, travel, youth, freedom, zero, 0, imagination, dreams do some true, nothing is impossible, what’s wrong with America, owe nothing, own nothing, do everything, reality, music, design, writing, New York times, New Yorker, dream friends, fake friends, social media, like, followers, connection, communication, relationship, magazine, gen z, ibaby, advertisement, campaign, Jeff Bezos, Peter thiel, thiel fellowship, scholarship, still dreamers, billionaires, Elon musk, gates foundation, bill gates, rich poor, guns and butter, dreams of zero, Nicki manaj, shithole, shit hole, trump, kardashian, bigger butt, butt girl, Christmas , space aliens ufo conspiracy, Harry Potter, magic, imagination, Los Angeles, selfie, thelastgen.com, me too, #metoo, butt girl, narcissist, culture, mean girls, Mel Blanchard Gong, The Three Ho's of Xmas, christmas tree, tradition, shallow, tinsel, basic bitch, stripper, milk and cookies, naughty or nice, slut, like, followers, selfie, bitcoin, cryptocurrency, decentralization blockchain, MONEY, dark web, debt, culture, 30, millennial, savings, fbi, trump, security, future, communication, 2018, 2017, new year, nye, midnight, cinderella, new you, start over, inspire, resolution, Bridget jones, spirit bitch, overalls, instafamous, instagram, hashtag, facebook

I kept saying, “I’m not a butt girl.” as if I wasn’t good enough.

Gentleman don’t prefer blondes, they prefer butt girls.

Firstly, a butt girl MUST have an instagram account. A butt girl is a chick with a really hot body who has an instagram account that look just like every other gorgeous butt girl and yet you can’t look away. She has the thigh gap, tan skin, gorgeous other butt-girl friends, a perfect looking family, and all her photos consist of her butt, her model face, the beach, and her fabulous jet-set life. The thing is, although everyone already knows instagram profiles are curated and real life isn’t like the photos, you can’t help but want that butt girl’s fucking fabulous digital life. She’s got it all?

Don’t force the narrative. Just because she’s got a nice cheeky ass doesn’t mean she’s all that nice. Keep Reading

I put a spell on you! Magic Spell to get a Diamond Ring.

in 30/Die Trying/Swipe by
The last generation, the last gen, tlg, Mel Blanchard gong, millennials, culture, American dream, student debt, travel, youth, freedom, zero, 0, imagination, women, engaged, wedding, dream wedding, soulmates, diamond ring, culture, dating, swipe, bumble, tinder, black magic, trick or treat, halloween, witches, fake, harry potter, vice, riot, broadly, writer, medium, art, creative director, hocus pocus, little mermaid, ursula, prince charming, Disney, moral of the story

I put a spell on you and now you’re mine.

Remember when Ariel gave up her voice just to be with Prince Charming; a man she had met once for like a sec? Imagine what his life would have been like without all that crazy bitch drama of octopussy tricks and under the sea treats.

With Halloween approaching and every basic bitch deciding what multiple-Taylor-Swift-personality she wants to mask herself as for one night, everyone is on the hunt to couple up. Bumble announced that since September their user base has risen by 75%. What is it about the cool breeze and smell of pumpkin spice that makes everyone want to couple up? Loneliness? American Hallmark cards? Or is it simply magic? In your early twenties, they say everyone wants to be single in the summer, does that urge apply in your thirties?… maybe for men. Keep Reading

The Life of an Unapologetic Asshole & How Nice People Lose… but not always.

in Bitch Be Humble/Die Trying/Inter$t Rate/Swipe by

Think about it. Think about an asshole you know, a true asshole. Where is that person is in their life socially and economically? If you’re thinking of someone and they’re an asshole, then that means you’ve identified something they’ve done to you or to others that’s dickish and fucked up. Good news is you’ve adapted in some way from them, and you’re asshole senses have become more equipped to spot that jackal in disguise. But with every asshole you experience, does it change you? Can we learn from assholes?

What makes an asshole? Another asshole. Keep Reading

Look up when you date. Seriously, look up.

in 30/Swipe/Unsatisfied by

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it’s a real human.

“My dream way to meet my soul mate is on an app,” said nobody, ever.

Oh you don’t believe in soul mates? That’s fine, but let’s not be too cool to admit that you’re looking for that perfect person to match your criteria and check all the boxes. Oh you want someone thin, active, career driven, and jams to your favorite beats too?

Does your neck hurt? Proud of your trim thumbs?

Keep Reading

Ghosted.

in Almosts/Swipe by
mel blanchard, thelastgen, the last gen, tlg, the last generation, dating, swipe, tinder, tlg, ghosted, casper, blow off, dating, swipe, bumble, tinder, undateable,

Everyone is disposable when you can swipe in your underwear.

Be a man. What does that phrase even mean? Or man up. The traits associated with being a man come down to bravery. Looking at someone or something for what it is and cutting to the chase. Suggesting to be a man automatically emasculates someone, even a woman. If you’re not a man, then you’re deprived of a certain form of heroism. Why do superheroes where masks in the first place? To shield their identity. If their a regular man, they are no longer super.

Keep Reading

Word Play: Meaningless Sex

in Almosts/Swipe/Unsatisfied by

What is meaningless sex? Seriously? Everything has meaning.

The word “meaningless” has meaning.

Keep Reading

A Good Family. You’re undateable without one. #redflag

in Bitch Be Humble/Swipe by
good family, mel blanchard, the last generation, tlg, dating, undateable, black sheep

But does he come from a ‘good family?’

I always say that the person I end up with probably won’t have a family, because I don’t have one and it’s an experience that only those who have fully accepted and embraced they weren’t born into a good family can understand. I want a good family, but I want to choose mine and build it. How many people can truly say that they have made the conscious decision to choose their family? If you’ve said it, then this choice was probably birthed from shame. I don’t feel worthy to be with someone who comes from a good family because this is the way society and my friends have standardized family. By not being born into a good family, I’m automatically shamed, like something in me will stay broken because of the choices my parents made… and maybe this is true.

To my friends with a good family who only search for someone with a good family, I wish you luck with the one you create.

By today’s standard, a ‘good family’ means:

  • Having parents that aren’t divorced and or are remarried all get along
  • Close siblings
  • Having grown up in a nice home with happy holidays
  • Little to no dysfunction or appearance of no dysfunction to outsiders
  • Having a family name with notoriety
  • A family that can afford college tuition
  • Coming from money

A good family, they do exist, but sadly I was not born into one.

Am I a red flag?

Am I instantly checked off a box for the majority of men I am attracted to? The men I’m attracted to are generally white, educated, athletic, and well traveled (a.k.a. every woman’s dream man).

Every circumstance is different and people are complicated, but being a single 20-something today means that dating is either yes or no.

Swipe left or swipe right, there is no middle. Do you check the boxes?

I’m lucky to have some beautiful single girlfriends born into good families. I often feel like the black sheep with them, but I prefer to identify with a white one – a blank canvas filled with light. They all know I don’t come from money or come from a good family yet alone have a speaking relationship any of my blood relatives, but when they describe the positives about a dateable man, they lead with where he went to college, if he is tall, what he does for a living, and if he comes from a good family (meaning wealthy and parents that aren’t divorced). They’re all dating, all on dating apps, and every time they meet a guy, he’s got to check the boxes of a superficial criteria. Despite my lack of a ‘good family,’ I am guilty of this too.

But what does it really mean to come from a good family? Does coming from a good family determine your spouse’s future? If one person comes from a good family and the other does not, does that mean they aren’t compatible?

Keep Reading

The Box Checker

in Almosts/Bitch Be Humble/Swipe by
The last generation, the last gen, tlg, Mel Blanchard gong, millennials, culture, American dream, student debt, travel, youth, freedom, zero, 0, imagination, dreams do some true, nothing is impossible, what’s wrong with America, owe nothing, own nothing, do everything, reality, music, design, writing, New York times, New Yorker, dream friends, fake friends, social media, like, followers, connection, communication, relationship, magazine, gen z, ibaby, advertisement, campaign, Jeff Bezos, Peter thiel, thiel fellowship, scholarship, still dreamers, billionaires, Elon musk, gates foundation, bill gates, rich poor, guns and butter, dreams of zero, Nicki manaj, shithole, shit hole, trump, kardashian, bigger butt, butt girl, Christmas , space aliens ufo conspiracy, Harry Potter, magic, imagination, Los Angeles, selfie, thelastgen.com, me too, #metoo, butt girl, narcissist, culture, mean girls, Mel Blanchard Gong, The Three Ho's of Xmas, christmas tree, tradition, shallow, tinsel, basic bitch, stripper, milk and cookies, naughty or nice, slut, like, followers, selfie, bitcoin, cryptocurrency, decentralization blockchain, MONEY, dark web, debt, culture, 30, millennial, savings, fbi, trump, security, future, communication, 2018, 2017, new year, nye, midnight, cinderella, new you, start over, inspire, resolution, Bridget jones, spirit bitch, overalls, instafamous, instagram, hashtag, facebook, game of thrones, aria stark, artificial intelligence, ai, robots, technology, Amazon rainforest, plastic surgery, eye, see, woke, watching, darpa, noko, North Korea, Japan, Kim Jong ew, moral of the story, Disney, are you in, never ending store window, Jesus, last supper, sober, 100 days la croix, change your life, oz, no place like home, Dorothy, mulan, warrior, ultimate self, halloween, burning bridges, London bridge, strong foundation, let go, ultimate self, resurrection, death, trader joe’s, amendments, shooting, gun violence, politics, trending, do nothing, say nothing, freedom, pseudo intellectual, pumpkin, witches, women, engaged, wedding, dream wedding, soulmates, diamond ring, culture, dating, swipe, bumble, tinder, black magic, trick or treat, halloween, witches, fake, harry potter, vice, riot, broadly, writer, medium, art, creative director, hocus pocus, little mermaid, ursula, prince charming, Disney, moral of the story, emojis, assholes get ahead, unapologetic, climb the ladder, epic bullshitter, John nordlinger died on facebook, Microsoft employee, usc school of cinematic arts, social death, make dating grant again say hi, Tinder, bumble, dating apps, the perfect man, a poem, mel blanchard gong, dating apps, single, sex, the last generation, tlg, millenials

I once met a 31-year-old man on Bumble named Paul.
He was very tall.
He drove a white AMG Mercedes and seemed like a guy that could get all the ladies.
I thought wow, now this is a guy to make babies.

He was born in Boston and was obsessed with Tom Brady.
He was a guys guy, a good guy into sports, and didn’t seem shady.
Paul went to a good college and seemed to come from a ‘good family.’
His father had passed and I felt embarrassed to have asked.
He was positive for the most part and successful at his job in tech.
He took me to fancy restaurants and was always the first to grab the check.
Paul dressed like a guy from GQ magazine, with his hair slick and his shoes shined.
It’s rare to meet a guy of Paul’s kind.

Paul was always polite and never late for a date.
He was a simple guy, maybe too simple for me, that just loved Boston and hockey.
The thing about Paul was he was really bad at a little thing called talkie.
He smiled beautifully big, listened to me ramble, and had NOTHING to say.
Trying to have a simple conversation with him would have taken all day.
But he liked me, he really really was interested despite him being mute.
On our first two dates I mistook it for shyness and thought it was cute.
It wasn’t shyness, he actually was a mute.

We didn’t have our first kiss until our fourth date.
After a few drinks, I figured it was time to seal our fate.
He smashed his face into mine like a head slam and bam!
Gosh fuckin’ dam!
He kissed me like a 13-year-old virgin then giggled as if he had never touched a woman before.
I really don’t think he had touched a woman before.
I took a shot of whiskey and figured hell, I’m about to act like a whore.

We went to his apartment and oh my god, what a horror!
The carpets were stained, the walls had holes, and his sheets were red.
I couldn’t imagine sleeping in that boy-in-a-man’s-body’s bed.
I tried so hard not to be a shallow, it was just a single man’s apartment.
But then he touched my boob and the man of no words at all squealed “yuppeeeee!”
And there I gave sweet Paul a hug and mercy kiss and ran on a spree!

Paul checked every box, he was perfectly dateable.
But despite the criteria our connection was non-debatable.
I never heard from Paul again and felt so guilty that I reached out.
It’s been months and after dating many ‘men’ since, I’ve come to realize maybe a guy like Paul wouldn’t have been so bad.
He did give me all he had…

Even with every box checked, Paul just wasn’t for me.
It just goes to show that there are no rules when it comes to human connection.
I do feel stupid and hope Paul finds a great girl.
The next time a guy gets so excited grabbing my boob I’ve learned to not be so rude.

With my new found realistic expectations,
I’m still single and hoping to find the right dude.
Swipe right, swipe left, wiggle undo,
It’s time I start to appreciate what is true.

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