The last generation, the last gen, tlg, Mel Blanchard gong, millennials, culture, American dream, student debt, travel, youth, freedom, zero, 0, imagination, women, engaged, wedding, dream wedding, soulmates, diamond ring, culture, dating, swipe, bumble, tinder, black magic, trick or treat, halloween, witches, fake, harry potter, vice, riot, broadly, writer, medium, art, creative director, hocus pocus, little mermaid, ursula, prince charming, Disney, moral of the story

I put a spell on you! Magic Spell to get a Diamond Ring.


I put a spell on you and now you’re mine.

Remember when Ariel gave up her voice just to be with Prince Charming; a man she had met once for like a sec? Imagine what his life would have been like without all that crazy bitch drama of octopussy tricks and under the sea treats.

With Halloween approaching and every basic bitch deciding what multiple-Taylor-Swift-personality she wants to mask herself as for one night, everyone is on the hunt to couple up. Bumble announced that since September their user base has risen by 75%. What is it about the cool breeze and smell of pumpkin spice that makes everyone want to couple up? Loneliness? American Hallmark cards? Or is it simply magic? In your early twenties, they say everyone wants to be single in the summer, does that urge apply in your thirties?… maybe for men.

The thing is, most women wear masks all year around. Whether they identify with Glenda the Good Witch or another wicked bitch more, they’re constantly working on a new spell to cast. Women are better at tricking men then men are at deceiving women. The things in a woman’s hat are much more powerful. After a first date, most women know what type of man she just went out with. Most women like assholes, so if he’s an asshole, she already knows and will continue to pursue him if that’s what she wants. By a second date a millennial and last gen woman will have already collected every puzzle piece she could find about this guy and pieced it together with a fantasy. She’ll have searched for his Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, looked at his family photos to see if he comes from a good family, and most likely have stalked his ex. Women know exactly what they’re getting into. A woman is like a shark that senses fear hormones, she senses it all, but a man, he is so easily charmed by chameleons.

A snake is charmed by music, but what happens when the music stops?

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None of this means that men don’t deceive women, but simply women have an unexplainable intuition and if they use it, most can really see what they’re getting into and manipulate that situation in their favor. A man on the other hand may not able to see a woman that is insecure, or a hot mess, or a narcissist, or fake until after the wedding.

If you’re currently part ofThe Last Gen and you’re single, then it’s probably a weird time for you. You were just in your early twenties yesterday and then a fucking flip switched. You feel too old to be going to bars and getting shit faced every weekend, but still too young to play house and commit to someone when you’re just starting to finally commit to getting to know yourself. You’re half millennial, half old school gangster, so you crave traveling and adventure, but simplicity too. A woman reaching this point no longer wants to go to bars and sleep around (although she probably never truly wanted to sleep around), so she’s over the bullshit and has got her spell book perfected… Little do men know that such a magic book exists…

NFL play books have got nothing on a woman’s spell book.

Women will always seek commitment and a protector, because it’s simply fact; it runs in their DNA. But for an American woman, when she reaches 30, she seeks a husband ASAP because she’s told her eggs are frying up, a man won’t want her when her ’smile’ lines appear, and she realizes that maybe being miss independent isn’t all that fun. Again, it’s in her DNA to seek a provider, but is she wrong to feel the rush to get married? No, she isn’t. Men do want someone younger because men stay younger longer. If we think about science, most women become fertile around the age of 10 to 13, so it is only natural that by 30 a woman’s instinct is telling her to procreate considering she was supposed to 20 years ago.

15/20 TLG single women said “Yes” when asked if they’d prefer for a man to be the bread winner.

19/20 TLG single women said “Yes” when asked if they’d be worried about being 30 and single.

10/20 TLG single women said “Yes”, they have dated a man who wasn’t what he appeared to be.

20/20 TLG men said “Yes”, they have dated a women who wasn’t what she appeared to be.

So what happens when a TLG woman starts to frantically hunt? She molds into the perfect model.

“He’s got a Ferari, a lot of money, and a kid. I told her, if she really wants to marry him, she’s got to play down the party girl and put the mom hat on even if she doesn’t want a kid. If she plays her cards right, she’ll have a ring on her finger in 6 months. Then we’ll get to go to Italy because she already knows where she wants to get married” said a TLG woman about her friend who had met a man twice. What about love? How can you already be talking about getting a ring after two dates? What happened to love? Do we need a red crab to remind us to slow down? Maybe not. After two dates in two weeks, this man told this woman he was falling in love with her on instagram.

We change every day.

Think about it. There are no rules to dating or love, so by all means when it’s right, it’s right. Logistically, if you’re 30 and you’re single and you meet someone tomorrow, it takes time to get to know someone. Best case scenario, let’s say you date for a year and get engaged, now you’re 31. You plan your American wedding, which takes another year, so now you’re 32. Now you’re married and want to travel the world and just be for a bit, so overnight you’re 34. Do you know what happens to a woman at 34? She ages. Supposedly, at the age of 30, each year after she is 10% less likely to be able to conceive. Do you know what happens to a man? He just gets better looking. This all sounds stupid and superficial, but this indeed is 100% how TLG women feel, even if they aren’t open about it.

None of this means that a relationship won’t be successful if you rush, but lets just look at fact and the divorce rate in this country… Now think about millennials who are impatient, fast paced, and lack the ability to truly communicate. Will it get worse? Why do marriages fail? For many reasons. 30 is not the new 20. Times have changed and people are getting married later, which is great, but there is something icky going on with single women in their 30s. They seem to get desperate, which leads to settling and it’s sad. They have every right to feel desperate with what doctors and the media promote. You’re an old maid at 35.  TLG women seem to be clinging onto guys and molding to them until one sticks… What happened to just being your own person? It’s a tale as old as time of a woman convincing herself she is in love with a man she barely knows, this is not a new generational story, but what is new is that here we are talking shit about Harvey Weinstein and his ‘old’ ways in the work place, fighting for women’s rights, and hashtagging feminist bullshit when woman are still doing what they did in the 50’s… looking for a box-checker man and making sure she plays the game right to get the ring, house, the baby, and the family photo. Is that so wrong? Not really. Family is important.

It’s all a trick. The majority of 20-30 somethings date by app today. Photos are never what they seem to be, the game of text messaging will either make or break you, and with botox and a good Instagram wall filled with people, you can be anyone you want to be… But who are you really? Do you feel you are the person you appear to be on social media or are you curating yourself?

What happened to love? That undying can’t live without best friend love does exist… but maybe logic is more logical to most.

There is love, and then there is love… you know?

People are complicated and we change every day.


I know someone that tricked a man into her marrying her. She’s a wonderful person who deserves love, but she didn’t really love him. She was 28 when they met and married by her 30th birthday. He fell in love with her so fast because suddenly she was just like him. She set the mood and tone and a little red crab set the tone just right and convinced him to kiss the girl. He moved her into his apartment and paid for her dream wedding. The music she had never listened to that was his favorite was now her favorite. The food he loved, she now loved. She kissed him every time they talked about their wedding and she never once let him see how unhappy she was with herself and career until two weeks after their marriage. They didn’t even consummate their wedding because she got so drunk. Right after the wedding (less than a month) she started to tell people how annoyed she was with him and how marriage is hard. Two months after she expressed her hate for him and that she cries when he’s not home. They’ve been married for a year, and he just looks sad every time I see him and he has no idea why… it’s because his wife wanted a ring because America told her she needed one by 30. He’s an obvious family man, and because she doesn’t want children, he’s convinced himself he doesn’t want kids. Will this marriage last? I wish them love and light.

I know several who women have intensely searched for a wedding venue when their boyfriends haven’t proposed. “It takes a year to book these places, so I have to know and book the venue right when he does propose.” All these women are planning their weddings before even getting a ring. I’ve never even dreamt about wearing a white dress yet alone a ring and although a giant rock is sexy and would be nice, I hope I never trick a man into a wedding. Weddings are a multi-billion dollar enterprise and I understand it’s wonderful to celebrate two people and possible families joining, but I guess I’m more intimate. Brides seem to be more stressed out about flowers then just finding a moment to sit with themselves before they take a sacred vow. These over blown photographed weddings and flaunting rings to me are insecure women exposing something that should be special and magical. I am jealous my friends that can get men to fall in love with them by playing games and also completely disgusted. I’m a hypocrite at the top of her game, I too want everything.

We all seek love and a partner at some point. I remember the day I woke up and realized I wanted to have children after I swore to my ex I was never going to have kids (it was a huge reason why he dumped me). Recently I’ve been noticing my friends become faker about relationships and in many ways it makes me fear for my future. Their initial explanation of a man when meeting him is never about their connection, but rather what he does and has, which are all important factors when searching for someone to marry. It’s a double edge sword really. I often panic about being single. Am I convincing myself I want to get married soon or is it something I really want? I know it’s just something I’m ready for, not the family part, but the finding someone part, finding that bond. I fear aging and am an active person and want to meet someone while I’m young and active. Then I think, well if I want to find him and not playing games hasn’t worked for me, then should I start to play the game? I can play games really well, but do I need to play a game to find love? Men’s natural instinct is to hunt, but where I’m different is that I to am a hunter; it runs in my blood; to survive and lead. Because I don’t have a family, my dream is to build mine and something good takes time. I keep saying I need to stop looking, just be open, and that when the timing is right, I’ll meet the right person… but sadly, I’m so ready now and this happens to so many great women. They don’t play games, they are true to themselves,  they wait for real love, and then they get old. So where is he? I’m a chameleon of the world and can fit into any situation and group of people until the sky turns black but do I have to be a chameleon to meet the right person? My spell book is legit, and I feel like I’m going to have to start casting spells. If I truly wanted a ring, I’d get it, but that’s not what I’m seeking. A friend of mine said I needed to play the game and be less transparent until someone warms up to me, but I want to be transparent from the start. If there’s anything I love about me, it’s my transparency.

If I’m single and 30, I’ll consider pivoting into the game they call ‘love,’ for now, fuck it. The present is the present! Fall in love, fall hard, trick a man, do what you want… just be true to you! <3 I too want it all! (evil laugh)

In other news

What are you going to be for Halloween? I’m going to be a can of LaCroix! (probably a custom curated flavor that tickles my fancy)


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