You can tell a lot about a Ho by her Christmas tree. From black angels up-top to Pottery Barn down below, there are three types of Christmas Ho’s.

Note: Don’t get a Christmas Ho twiest with a Tinder Hoe. Tres diferente!

Disclaimer: If you don’t identify with the Three Ho’s of Christmas, then you simply aren’t a ho. Nice job!👍🏾Maybe…

Other Note: Ho’s can me a combination of Ho’s and men can be Ho’s too.

#HoToo

Ho #1

Frosty the Snow Ho is the shivering seductress with a button nose. She pretends to not need no man, but she shivers with an extra badonkadonk just to make sure that cute guy knows she’s cold and that he better give her his jacket. She’s a hopeful romantic and thinks Bridget Jones is her spirit bitch. Every year when she watches Love Actually, she identifies with a different leading female. One year she’s at a NYE party pissed drunk hoping for someone or some two to suck face with her, the next year she’s at home in bed eating Arctic Zero no calorie ice cream with the belief that she’ll be skinny when the clock strikes midnight, and the next year she’s bundled up wishing and waiting for Hugh Grant and the grand gesture to sweep her off her feet. Every year she waits for him…

Her Christmas Tree is small because she moved to the big city to have it all. It’s possibly a misfit tree because she sees the romance in it and that tree needs love too.

Like Frosty the Snow Man, her heart melts too fast. When Christmas and the New Year is over is when she goes back to focusing on herself, but because other Ho’s seem to have it all, the holidays are always lonely for her, but she appreciates the romance in loneliness too. The thing about Frosty the Snow Ho is that she’s perfect just the way she is… even if she did just eat a bag full of marshmallows.

🎅🏾Santa’s Status: Naughty & Nice

🎁Gifts to buy fo Frosty the Snow Ho: Anything with true meaning, a hand written letter, or a moment. Money can’t buy her, but she’ll take it, jewelry too. 😉

Ho #2

A Tinsel Ho’s likes things shiny and new, she also loves to pretend. Her instagram is cute butt girl basic and her ‘carefree’ snaps require much care. To identify a Tinsel Ho is easy, ask her what type of Christmas Tree is displayed in her home. A Tinsel Ho has a FAKE PLASTIC Christmas tree and burns pine smelling coconut oil candles to trick ya’ll into thinking it’s real…. that the tree is. Her ornaments are color coordinated and no one-off childhood Disney Princess Ninja on a string will be hanging from her tree and if that lucky pickle does make it on a plastic branch, it’ll be hidden deep in the back by tinsel, obviously. Don’t let the spandex and red flannel shirts fool you, a Tinsel Ho is not a ho you go camping with ever, or to wear your shoes in her home (unless they’re Manolos), or give a homemade gift to… or any gift without a label. A Tinsel Ho will go to a Christmas tree farm just to take a selfie with her BFF of the minute. A Tinsel Ho’s tree is packaged neatly in her garage all year around, how romantic. A Tinsel Ho ALWAYS has someone to kiss at midnight on NYE. Always.

The thing about a Tinsel Ho is that she’s lost site of what a good ‘ol American Christmas tree really means and has become just American. Tradition is you go to a Christmas tree lot with your loved ones, get lost in the endless smell of pine until you find that perfect tree only to then figure out how to get it on top of your car and bring it home. Once you get a real Douglas Fir Evergreen twig shedding tree in your house, you’ll constantly have to clean the REAL shedding tinsel and you’ll even find remnants in February. Once a real Christmas Tree has dried out mid-January because lets face it, you love that fucking tree and can’t part ways, you’ll say goodbye and end up leaving it on the lonely street for some dude to pick up with a truck. Now that’s romantic… but fuck tradition, fuck history. Amerca. O’doyle rules!

One may wonder, when a Tinsel Ho takes a photo of her “tree,” will she realize it’s not actually a real tree?

🎅🏾Santa’s Status: Naughty

🎁Gifts to buy a Tinsel Ho: A play it safe Starbucks Gift Cards, White Girl Rose, Lulu Lemon Gift Cards, & Jewelry… duh

Ho #3

A Macaroni Ornament Ho is a daughter, a sister, and a mom at heart. She is seldom ever an only child and grew up making arts and crafts during the holidays. She’s mastered how to keep gingerbread house walls from falling apart and when she goes home for Christmas she prefers to wear mismatched Christmas socks and a Grinch tee until the new year. Victoria Secret is not her thing, but she still manages to look sexy in her Dr. Sues boycut undies. Ugly Christmas sweaters aren’t ugly to her. She doesn’t hold back from milk and cookies nor does she calorie count during the holidays. Her Christmas tree is homegrown, meaning she got it from her local neighborhood lot, possibly a grocery store, where she runs into all her neighbors buying their green bushes and she loves the tradition. Her tree is ‘eclectic’ to say the least with ornaments ranging from her sibling’s clay baby footprints to mini-frames with goofy family photos, and of course her first ornament made of macaroni is going strong at mom and dad’s house. She most likely had a real childhood and her dad is chill.

The thing about a Macaroni Ornament Ho is she simple, but not basic. Yeah an almond milk peppermint mocha would be delish, but so is some powered hot coco from Vons. Her house will never be all that clean and her tree might have one Pottery Barn ornament because it was a gift from her Tinsel Ho friend. Unlike hopeful romantic Frosty the Snow Ho and OMG like my photo Tinsel Ho, her Christmas will most likely be drama free but filled with crazy family stories.

🎅🏾Santa’s Status: Nice

🎁Gifts to buy a Macaroni Ornament Ho: Something handmade or a gag gift like grinch undies or a poop emoji pillow.💩

There are many types of betches, like a Peppermint Mocha Betch & a Jingle-Alllll-The-Way Betch, but there are only three types of Christmas Ho’s. It’s all in the tree!

What kind of Christmas Ho are you?

Moral of the Story

It doesn’t matter what type of tree you have or if you are Ho # 1, 2, or 3… or a combination. Love is everything. Fake, shiny, rich pine green, or palm- the representation of the Christmas Tree inside a home where loved ones gather is everything.

Be whoever you want! Fuck boxes.

Personal Best 2017 Ho Story

The year marshmallows were never the same…

If you’ve read my shit, then you already know what kind of Ho I am. I’ve shivering as I type. Quickly, in 2017 I met the most interesting specimen I’ve ever met named Gene. I’ll spare you most of the details, but I really shouldn’t. (If you are one of the lucky Ho’s that know this story, then you’re laughing R.N.) Like Frosty the Snow Ho who loves to stuff as many comforting marshmallows in her hot cocoa as possible and who waits for the fire to totally toast her marshmallow and burn out before eating it, this specimen Gene felt differently about MARSHMALLOWS. Gene was a pilot with a perfect southern gentleman accent and a voice of Garth Brooks. He was dream with a yacht and echoed the most captivating tall-tale worldly stories. His rhetoric was straight out of a country boy’s Shakespeare. I could stare into his baby blues, talk, and listen to him all night on that boat, and in fact I did. The thing about Gene was he had a dark side, a very dark side, like a serial killer torn soul, I’m in the FBI dark side. As Gene and I kissed under the stars on his boat, he told me to say “MARSHMALLOW” if it got to rough.

Marshmallow! Marshmallow! Marshmallow!

I went home, bought two bags of marshmallows, ate one, and have the other bag for safety if incase Gene ever returns.

Tis’ the Season!

We love ALL HO’S!

There you have it! Ho Ho Ho!

Special thanks to some dude, who’s name rhymes with man, I was texting about Christmas Ho’s and dick mittens… Really inspiring stuff.

HUGE UPDATE!

It’s Christmas morning (Merry fuckin Xmas!), four days after I wrote this article! I wrote about Bridget Jones and Christmas in this article and literally Bridget Jones appeared on Christmas when I was volunteering at the Venice Beach Homeless Food Drive like I have every year for the past 7 years. There are no coincidences.👁Wrote and manifested. 2017 made. Amen. 🙏🏽