“I can’t wait to turn 30!” said no one ever.

There’s this van culture thing happening. Cute 20-somethings are living in vans. 🚐They look like rape vans on the outside, but are baller tiny hipster homes on the inside with solar panels, interior designed kitchens, and plush memory foam pads. When an early-20-something clean-cut-good-kid told me he was moving into a van to save money so he could travel the world the only thought that came to my mind was, I wish I would have done that when I was his age.

Blunt thought, I don’t want to turn 30.

⬆︎This track goes with this article. Experience it.☝︎ One Thing by San Holo

Living in a van to save money for travel in your 20s sounds a lot cuter than living in a van to save money in your 30s. FML, imagine all the dough 💰🤑I could have used to vagabond it in nightmare hostels. Why didn’t I ever take that leap in my 20s? No not to live in a van, but to struggle a bit and get uncomfortable? I guess it’s my fear of being poor or appearing so that always stopped me. I played it safe, I embarrassingly always had financial support to make sure I didn’t drown, but in the end as blessed as I was, it crippled me. I didn’t recklessly sleep around when I secretly wanted to in fear of STDs, being a single mom, and heart break. I didn’t live with roommates and I for sure wanted to. I didn’t take a waitressing job in Barcelona in fear of falling behind in building a ‘real’ career. I didn’t date anyone my own age because I was just too serious. I didn’t really try to have fun because I didn’t feel like I deserved to. I didn’t become an obnoxious kid millionaire because I didn’t try hard enough. I didn’t. I didn’t. No, I’m not going to focus on what I did because I really just didn’t.

At what age are you no longer young?

Everyone keeps telling me,

“But you’re still young.”

I didn’t make it in my 20s. I didn’t make it on the bullshit PR gimmick Forbes 30 under 30 List. (trust me I know many people who made it on that list and they suck at being human and have no money) Maybe bullshit, but if you made it on that list you played the game well, like Colin Kaepernick ✔︎well and that’s a success on it’s own. The woebegone part is, I really believed I would have. I believe in me so much that I really should have made it on that fucking list and I didn’t.

It’s time to break-up with 20 year-old-me and like all breakups, it’s painful.

⬆︎Read and experience with this track, We Belong by RAC featuring ODESZA

The Last Gen is officially one year and twenty-one days old. Yes, I’m counting. I’m a time-keeper and am constantly measuring the minutes and comparing the moments in fear of loss. How much more time will I lose until I get there? What else will I lose in the process? My looks? My chance to have my own good family? My free-throw to be young and reckless? My vagina? (get ready for the story) Mostly, will I lose my chance, you know, MY chance? People often ask me to explain what The Last Gen is and I now know who she is. She’s a culture, she’s a never ending store window into all things apocalyptic. 

30 feels like the end.

It seems only the rich stay young.💵💵💵 Yes to afford plastic surgery💉, but money allows you to have time to have time🐇. Money takes you places🌎. Money lowers cortisol levels. Money buys you healthier foods from Erewhon. Money buys you a photo editor ;). Money gets you a young lover!👫 And money allows you to build a family without financial stress. 👶🏽👶🏿👶Yeah my 97-year-old german granny is young on the inside and very happy living in the hood but she sure still thinks she’s going to win the lottery and take care of us all.👵🏻

There are 30 days in a month🗓, 30 days embody a woman’s menstrual cycle until she bleeds her could-have-been-babies🤰🏽, and you have 30 fucking years from being a little tiny slobbering infant 👶🏽to a full fledge adult👵🏽. After 30, you don’t go back to being a kid, your body ages, your face changes, you need more money for shit, and you just get old. Ever wonder what makes a woman look 25 compared to 30? No amount of Korean skincare will freeze your skin 20 and unfortunately I’m only half asian, so my face and vagina aren’t as collagen stuffed as the pure-bred Kevin Kwan type. There is a difference, it starts with the loss of volume in the cheeks… all four.🍑🍑

We idolize our 20s. This buttface told me that you have to grind at work in your 20s so you can have it easier in your 30s. What happens if you didn’t grind in your 20s – at work and at night?! From J.K. Rowling to Mark Twain, there are bad human ‘news’ sites that report on people who found success after 30 as if it were a miracle. Once people turn 30 they think it’s no big deal and most will say that it’s just a number, you know who you are in your 30s, you’re more secure in your 30s, and blah blah blah… But if that is the case, then it’s not just a number. Those who aren’t or weren’t scared to turn 30 usually don’t have debt(good for them), come from a ‘good family’ (good for them), have a career (good for them), and aren’t unsure of their future (good for fucking them). The scared little bitches are like me; no need to explain any further.

Bill Gates became the youngest billionaire ever at 30, physicist Armand H. L. Fizeau measured the speed-of-light at 30, Mark Twain published his first story at 30, Hans Christian Andersen published his book of fairytales at 30, Donald Trump bullshat💩 bankers to give him $80 million so he could buy the Commodore Hotel at 30, George W. Bush Jr. was arrested for a DUI at 30 and still became President, Eunch John the Baptist began his prophecy to spread apocalyptic messages from God at 30, and then there were other great MEN who did more great shit at 30.

What about what SHE did at 30?

It’s like there’s no hope for women in their 30s and it just hurts. We’re told you need to be married and have babies in your 30s and it’s true because most men do want younger women. Don’t argue, it’s just the blunt truth. According to the googs, the number 30 symbolizes the dedication to a calling or task. Maybe there’s something to this number because chicks dedicate their 20’s to make sure they’re engaged by 30 and well, I think I finally figured out my calling and it fo-sho took 30 years, a.k.a. two years of being an adult to figure it out. 

I hope to make the list, you know the list when I die, that list when people decide you are more great to idolize when you’re gone, and I hope it’ll read something like this

“Melanie Blanchard wrote her first NYT best seller at 30.”

If not that then at the very least “Melanie Blanchard was the first person to get out of one million dollars of student loan debt at 30.”

DREAM CRAZY KIDS. (that was my line, btw)

IF YOU DON’T USE IT, YOU LOSE IT.

I’m not 30 quite yet. On my 25th birthday I went in for my annual pap-smear, maybe TMI, but every single and unsingle woman who takes care of her heath has to have an annual pap and health insurance companies are required to pay for this so it shouldn’t be weird to talk about. My doctor didn’t know it was my birthday and he thought I was 28 and HE told me, “If you don’t get into a serious relationship in the next two years you should consider freezing your eggs because when you turn 30, each year after you are 10% less likely to conceive.” At the time, I never wanted kids ever and it still made me ball my eyes out.😭 Now I’m days away from being 30, kinda broke so I can’t afford to freeze my eggs unless I get a job at Facebook to get their $20,000 egg freezing benefit🥚❄️ , and my eggs are about to fry the phuck up🍳🍳🍳.  Do ya smell the bacon? 🥓Two days ago, at age 29, I went in for my annual pap-smear and I asked my doctor a question about cosmetics. Since your nice smile and college degrees are no longer enough, vaginaplasty has now become a thing. I’ve never been concerned about what my vagina looked like cause I’m asian, duh, and in fact I never really gave her a good look until social media told me that my vagina was going to get ugly – and now I’m self conscious. She was looking a bit sad down there and I asked my new OBGYN,

🤦🏼‍♀️“I haven’t been sexually active in a while and I feel she’s looking sad. Is that because I’m not having sex?”

👩🏿‍⚕️My doctor gave me her Beyonce smurk and vocalizes,

“You know that saying, if you don’t use it, you lose it? Mmmmmhmmmmm.”

🤦🏼‍♀️I panicked and aged just a little bit more, “But can I get it back?!”

👩🏿‍⚕️”If you start using it. Mmmmmmhmmmmmm.”

Needless to say I balled by eyes out then tippy-tapped my fingers to my phone in search of finding someone to use me🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐🚐. My 30-year-old bestie laughed her face off when I told her the story🤣, but the moral to that story meant something much greater to me.

If you don’t use your youth, you lose your youth.

I’d never want to be who I was yesterday and early 20-something me wasn’t ME, the writer I love so much. It did take 30 years to become Me and I’m still learning about her and who she is. I’m exactly where I need to be, but I’m frightened to turn 30 because I’m single, I want a family soon, I’m in debt, and I don’t have a solid career. I do my best every day and it never seems to be enough and I’m scared I’ll wake up and be 40 and in the same place. I’ve learned most single 40-year-old men don’t want a 40-year-old woman and because of this, already I feel my future self will be unwanted and that the clock is ticking faster and faster. 🏃🏼‍♀️ I complain about getting hit on all the time, but I’ll be sad the day it stops. I didn’t use my 20’s, the years are all a blackout🕳, I honestly only remember what happened after October 31, 2015 when I died and came back to life.

“The moral I get from your Kauai story is that up until now, you survived somehow without a plan and you are here and that’s called GRACE. But now you have to make a plan. God isn’t that good to everyone. You must be special.🙏🏿”

loved Todd Shaw, my beautiful humility filled full of light friend. I call a lot of people my ‘friends’, but I think he’s a dream one.

God, Allah, the Universe, Genie in my Lamp, Grace, Magic – gave me time and my 20s could have been worse. It’s true, for whatever reason, I am blessed and I’m disappointed in myself that I didn’t do more with those blessings. I don’t celebrate my birthday and last year I wrote that the Present is the Present. It is. Every day is your birthday, every moment is the present, don’t just unwrap it, tear that shit apart. Even though I know what the gift is, it’s hard for me to feel worthy of receiving it.🎁 I have a hard enough time allowing a guy to buy me dinner.

We place emphasis on what countries🛫 someone has been to and measure their ingenuity on it, but you don’t have to leave the country to travel. You don’t have to live in a van to be young, you don’t have to phuck a lot of guys to feel free. The grounds you land on are planetary🌍, but the real destination is just getting where you want to go. 🔙Where do you really want to GO?🔜 So far I’ve been running with no-where to go because I simply haven’t decided on where I want to be.🔃

I wonder what would happen if let myself stay, just for a little.

⬆︎More Colors by Kidswaste

In Hollywood they say (my scam grad school taught me this, not sure if it’s true)

“If you aren’t early, you’re late.”

Being early is important and I think I need to start waking up earlier.🌅

The way I see it is if God is real and if He does have a plan for me, then my blacked out 20s were all just part of the plan and right now at this very moment as I write, I’m moving through it.

Starting today, still in my 20s, I have a plan. For the first time in my life, I made a plan, like wrote it out with a pen and paper and it’s taped on my wall kind of plan. It’s not a list of goals, it’s a solid fucking plan for the next ten years. Now I can say in my 20s, I planned for the future. I’m no longer going to wing it, I can’t, my life depends on it. It’s okay to let go and be receptive to the unexpected (I’m the queen of that shit👸🏼), but also to know what direction to head back to when you get swept away a little too far and your knees get scuffed. It’s no mistake that Scarlet is the icon for all hopeless romantics and it’s no mistake that Scarlet lives in a movie called Gone with the Wind, literally .🌬

I have a plan for The Last Gen. I have a plan for tomorrow and I have a plan for my future kid and I have a plan to get out of debt and I have a plan to meet a real man, and I have a plan to travel to the destination I seek. I’m sure I’ll continue to disspoint myself down the road and I have a plan for when that happens.

If you see me in the streets flying around, know I know when it’s time to come down.

Happy 30th Birthday to anyone who will be 30, who is 30, and who has been 30. If you chose to live, 30 is part of everyone’s destiny.

MORAL OF THE STORY

If you don’t use it, you lose it.

Use your time and grace as much as you should use your vagina… or someone else’s. 😉

The present is the present and the only present the present will present.

Life is the constant act of breaking up with yourself.

Have a plan.

THE LAST GEN👁✞👻🤳🏽🍑🔥🧟‍♂️

The Last Gen is my soulmate, my alter-ego, my culture, and is all things apocalyptic. We’re a culture obsessed with false cultures. We no longer study indigenous weavers in Peru, we study slap-my-pussy-rap culture and 4Chan trolls who simultaneously type poison while jerking off to Chaturbate. It was the end of times in the 50s as much as it’s the end of times R.N. The Last Gen is an end of times never ending store window – go swipe someone like you do your asshole.👋🏾 I’m the reporter that reports on it.

Personal🐇⏰

I experience time differently from other people and those who know me recognize I have always had a deep struggle with time. I’m always on the dot, always waiting, in fear of loss. This stems from waiting for my father, I’d count the minutes waiting not for him to show up, but rather for him to not show up so I could move on. I’m always looking to move on and thus need to give myself closure in every situation. I measure moments by certain landmarks starting with October 31, 2015, everything before then, I really don’t remember. That day reins important because for 126 days after I begged a man for closure and for the first time in my life I had to find closure within myself because that was something he was never going to give me. I measure my relationships with men by when I last bleached my roots. Sounds ridiculous, but if I haven’t heard from him in three weeks, which is how often my hair is bleached, then I know it’s been three weeks and it’s time to lighten up and cover the darkness so he can’t see it; the truth that it got to me. I measure how far I’ve come since the date I launched this site and compare each moment of growth to when an article was written and in fact after I write an article the only thing I feel is closure. I’ll always be a time-keeper, but in my 30s I’m going to try to forgive myself for being late… Maybe if I go off the clock and chase the white rabbit, I’ll be invited to a tea party.🌈🍵🤡

I’ve been thinking about Marco, the Vice writer I overlooked on a date a few years ago, not romantically but I’ve been analyzing his character. When I saw him again for a second time after approaching him about his writing I saw him👁, like really saw him👁. He’s developed an alter-ego online that allows him to be this masked caricature of an apocalyptic prophet who people refer to for education about fucked up delicacies, but in person he’s a bit shy, hard to hear when he speaks because he slowly fades out his sentences, and is eligantly emotional. Recently I met someone who read so much of my content before having gone on a date with me and I couldn’t help but question who he thought he was going to meet. I told him to not read too much. It’s taken me my entire 20’s to create The Last Gen and to come out of the closet as Melanie and she’s new to the world… Like Marco’s writing, TLG is my alter-ego. In person, I’m just a girl who wants to feel pretty, a bit slow on getting the pun in jokes, a little ADD, and hope to be treated nicely. I don’t speak with the same conviction I write with. I’m intimate, hard on myself, and it takes a lot of time for me to open up. When people try to talk to me about my work in person, I don’t really know what to say and never want to talk about it because this space here is my closet to experiment in. Nonetheless, this guy disappeared like the rest of them. 👻Fact versus fantasy, as painful as it is to say, he dodged a bullet⁍⁍⁍ but maybe so did I. After reading everything here and getting to know me here at TLG, I’d expect more from a human, but again, I’m left speechless every time and am grateful to my friends (especially Brian) and to every ghost that reminds me there is always a lesson to be learned, that people are complicated, and to remember time takes time and time is distance.

I think I’m the real life version of Gilda, the femme fatal. The actress Rita Hayworth married a real Prince, men loved her but it was always fleeting because they wanted Gilda. She said two things that have always haunted me

Basically, I am a good, gentle person, but I am attracted to mean personalities.

and

Men go to bed with Gilda, but wake up with me.

Mel is good for a first date, sometimes a second, but then they start to understand who she is, she’s Melanie… fatal.

I always think of people, I never forget anyone. I remember their feeling. There was someone else I overlooked, he was a great guy. A few weeks ago I saw him walking alone looking as if he was dancing in his head, he was like a cool breeze cozied up in an ugly sweater. We had met before TLG. With kindness he said, “Melanie, hi.” and my heart broke a little. He saw Melanie and liked her for her. He’s since met a total babe and I hope she treats him well; he deserves that. In my 30s I have planned not to swipe past someone like that again.

My Jelly Bean has been with me from 17 years old to Almost 30!

In Other News ✔︎💁🏿‍♂️

This Colin Kapernick Nike shitshow is just another This is America. The message is there, the feeling is there, we all have something to ### about, the campaign is genius, but it does nothing. Effective ad work, Nike’s stock is up, pseudo intellectuals were given some small talk, but by next week it’ll be down your newsfeed, some people will have gotten richer, and we’ll be ### about Yeezy’s creative Pornhub debut that will be deemed as art.

One of our reader’s dick fell off!🍆

Subscribe, we have a plan!

How I’m feeling right now, right this very moment.

Dear Lawd 🙏🏽 Someone kiss me before I turn 30!💕💋

I want my 30’s to feel like this song

 T-Shirt by Thomas Rhett

& this one! My Dirty 30 track!

Sky Walker by Miguel

I don’t care about ever having wedding photos, but one day in my life, while I’m still young, I want to take a crazy-mad-in-love photo like this. Dream crazy, love like crazy. Every day is your birthday and in my 30s I want babes in my bathhouse, baller chains on my neck, and fuck you money.

I guess this is the closure I needed from my 20s.

Everything ends, just be kind when it starts to.

Written by Mel Blanchard Gong, of The Last Gen, aka The Last Gen, a millennial blunt thoughts editorial about all things apocalyptic.