Do you know how many amendments there are?
Okay fine, just name the top 5.
You can’t? Can you at least name 5 pumpkin products you can buy at Trader Joe’s right now?
With all the gun rants and pray for Hurricane status updates that do NOTHING at all, The Last Gen has decided to take your mind off of the bullshit everyone pretends to care about but will never act upon. What do people care about? PUMPKINS!
Trader Joe’s nailed the basic bitch market. Pumpkin is crack for bitches.
Note to men, always have a pumpkin spice candle ready to light to set the mood (year around), it will increase your chances of getting laid.
Trader Joe’s has really out done themselves this year, but still has not yet fully hit it’s pumpkin mark. Take it from the Pumpkin Queen, I started the pumpkin movement. Confession, I used to be a pumpkin kleptomaniac. Every time I saw a pumpkin I had to steal it. Oh the rush of stealing a giant orange squash. I once ended up with 32 pumpkins in my apartment and had a pumpkin party and made bread from raw pumpkin, baked pumpkin with pumpkin spices, pumpkin spiced pumpkin seeds, and steak marinated in homemade pumpkin sauce.
True story: A man once fell in love with me over my pumpkin bread. I make the world’s greatest pumpkin bread and three years ago I delivered my bread and homemade cold pressed iced pumpkin coffee to my best friend’s office and a guy ate it and he ended up falling in love with me then breaking my heart sometime later. I haven’t made pumpkin bread since because it is THAT DANGEROUS and I cannot bare to get my heart broken again. This story is 100% true.
Whilst on my pumpkin break, Trader Joe’s has tried to keep up with me. Three years ago they started with pumpkin spices, pumpkin coffee, and pumpkin pancakes. Now they have:
- Gluten Free Pumpkin Bread & Muffin Baking Mix
- Pumpkin Bread Mix
- Pumpkin Spice Scone Mix
- Gluten Free Pumpkin Pancake Mix
- Pumpkin Pancake & Waffle Mix
- Organic Frosted Pumpkin Poptarts
- Pumpkin Chai Spiced Loaf
- Pumpkin Spiced Pumpkin Seeds
- Harvest Spiced Trek Mix with Pumpkin
- Yeast for Pumpkin Bread
- Pumpkin Spice Carmel Corn
- Pumpkin Cookies
- Chocolate Moose Pumpkins
- Pumpkin Cream Cheese Pumpkins
- Pumpkin Biscotti
- Pumpkin Spice Coffee Keurig Cups
- Pumpkin Spice Ground Coffee
- Pumpkin Spice Rooibos Tea
- Pecan Pumpkin Instant Oatmeal
- This Pumpkin Walks into a Bar Cereal Bars
- Pumpkin O’s Cereal
- Pumpkin Spice Almond Beverage
- Pumpkin Greek Yogurt
- Pumpkin Body Butter
- Vanilla Pumpkin Candle
- Pumpkin Spice Protein Bar
- Pumpkin Ale
- Country Pumpkin Spice Granola Pumpkin
- Honey Roasted Pumpkin Ravioli
- Pumpkin & Roasted Pepitas Cookies
- Pumpkin Face Joe Joe’s Cookies
- Pumpkin Flavored Joe Joe’s Cookies
- Pumpkin Soup Crackers
- Petite Pumpkin Spiced Cookies
- Pumpkin Ice Cream
- Pumpkin Spice Salted Carmel Truffels
- Pumpkin Cranberry Crisps
- Pita Crips with Cranberries & Pumpkin Seeds
- Organic Pumpkin Spiced Granola
- Pumpkin Butter
- Pumpkin Torilla Chips
- Fall Harvest Salsa with Pumpkin
- Scary Pumpkin and Ghoul Sugar Cookies
- Organic Canned Pumpkin
- Pumpkin Bagels
- Pumpkin Cream Cheese Spread
- Pumpkin Cheesecake
- Pumpkin Marble Mousse
- Fall Zucchette Pasta shaped like pumpkins
- Pumpkin Pie Spice
- Assorted Belgian Chocolate Pumpkins
- Pumpkin Soup
- Pumpkin Flavored Dog Treats
- Sugar Pie Pumpkins
- Baby Pumpkins growing on branches
- Fall Fantasy Ugly Pumpkin Breed
- Mini – Orange Ghost Pumpkins
- Regular Ol Pumpkins
THERE ARE 58 PUMPKIN PRODUCTS AT TRADER JOE’S THIS YEAR!
AND I’M SO DISAPPOINTED!
Yes they have immensely improved their pumpkin selection since 2014 and sure your pancake ass basic bitch wets her panties every time she fills her cart, but what about pumpkin as food… like, it’s a squash and it’s fucking delicious.
- Basic Pumpkin Pie! Where is the pumpkin pie?
- Baked pumpkin?
- Pumpkin Sandwich Bread?
- Pumpkin Spiced Condoms with creamy tips?!
- Pumpkin pizza with mozzarella?
- Pumpkin salad?
- MASHED PUMPKIN!!??!
- Pumpkin marinade?
- Pumpkin Sparking Water?
- Pumpkin Vitamins (sit is full of keratin and vitamin A)?
- Pumpkin French Bread (not the sweet stuff)?
- Frozen Pumpkin for smoothies?
- Pumpkin Pasta Sauce?
- Pumpkin Jerky?
- Canned Pumpin Latte?
- Pumpkin Kombucha?
- Pumpkin Smelling Body Wash and Shampoo?
- I didn’t see pumpkin pie? BASIC!
- Pumpkin Essential Oils?
- Pumpkin Burritos
- Pumpkin Fries
- Pumpkin Rice
- A pumpkin plant?
- Pumpkin Spice Goat Cheese
(Note: I was going to make some Trader Joe’s pumpkin art with every product, but that shit was going to take so much time. It took an hour just to photograph every product. Really workin’ hard here kids)
Look, what a dream job it would be to be a food taster and curator for Trader Joe’s, but whoever their pumpkin person is, they’re simply not doing their job all that well. They’re too basic. Sure pumpkin spice this and gluten free that is needed, but what about REAL PUMPKIN FOOD?! 58 pumpkin products and not one warm food pumpkin dish.
Why is NO ONE RANTING ABOUT THIS ON FACEBOOK?
Look kids, let me take a rant break.
There are 33 amendments.
An amendment is defined as a minor change to a document to make it better. The second amendment was written when semiotic automatic weapons were not available to buy at Walmart and way way before the dark web. About that terrible Vegas murder everyone is trying to analyze… Reporters are wasting their time. The thing is, the answer to his motive is simple. He was just like you… On the internet, the most dangerous place in the world, consuming information that made him weird, obsessive, and it poisoned his brain. He appeared normal and nice, just like you… We all have bad thoughts and he consumed so much and obsessed about guns and one day decided to make his internet fantasies come true. That’s all. You already ready what terrible things are on the internet and yet you can’t look away. It’s pandora’s fuckin box and we’re all addicted to the bad shit. So while the New York Time’s repeats themselves about this guy’s personality traits that will honestly do nothing and while everyone reposts, people will get over it fast due to the overload of fake news and information. Unless you know what the U.S. Constitution really is and believe one person can actually make a difference, then either start reading or shut the fuck up and eat some god dam pumpkin.
Personally, if guns aren’t going to go away, then I want one. Why not?
EAT OR BE EATEN.
Remember when you heard of a shooting and were shocked by it? Now with all the shit we read, it’s hard to be shocked and believe what is real and what is fake. VFX and gaming have desensitized us to the magnitude of war, bombs, and shootings. Imagine how future generations will feel about massacres. More people changed their profile photos to the French flag during the Paris shooting then the largest domestic attack ever in U.S. HISTORY. No one I know has even mentioned the shooting. NO ONE IS TALKING ANYMORE.
GO TALK TO SOMEONE! I RECOMMEND A TRADER JOE’S CLERK. They’re always fucking happy and they’ll let you sample anything.
What will you post about today?
• Trader Joe’s, I am available for hire to be a pumpkin curator for 2018. DREAM JOB! MANIFESTING NOW.
• Thank you Andy Phelps, for that gun pumpkin spice meme! Made me squeal.
•Thank you Krumdwag Millionaire for questioning TJ’s about pumpkin spice condoms! Like WTF, they should have them.
• The Harvest Spiced Trek Mix with Pumpkin is THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD
• Thanks KoKo for inspiring me to post about pumpkins rather than politics!
• You know it’s a successful pumpkin season when by Christmas you’ve put on the weight equilivant to one pumpkin.
• In midevil Britan, All Souls Day was November 2nd. The needy would beg for pastries known as soul cakes and in return they would pray for people’s dead relatives…. this was called fouling.
• Halloween is a 6 billion dollar industry every year.
Why read the news when I can read if for you! If anything important happens, I’ll let you know.. Until then, eat pumpkin & subscribe!