There is no such thing as unconditional.
What do you wish for? How bad do you want it?
Even a magic genie comes with a price. The genie wishes for his freedom, so he grants two wishes hoping that those magical gifts were enough, but seldom is anything ever enough. That third wish… What is freedom anyways? Are we ever truly free?
Some parents teach their children to be nice to everyone. This is wrong. It’s important to be kind, but teaching a child to be nice to everyone will set them on a path to not knowing when it’s okay to not be nice and when to say no. Children owe niceness to no one.
Me too.
That’s the phrase all these women are coming out with. Although we need to be careful about ‘trending’ topics and revolting Lord of the Flies style, there’s a tall-tale reason why women are coming out. They weren’t taught to say no, they were told to play nice and to not get on anyone’s bad side if they wanted to pursue their dreams. FUCK PLAYING NICE.
Sexual harassment and abuse is disgusting, but the bigger issue is the abuse of power and why women feel like they owe… this pertains to men too. It’s important to not be man haters when stories of pigs like Harvey Weinstein shit on our Facebook walls.
Families, jobs, friends, and even man’s best friend; something will always be expected of you. Even if you have none of those, you will always have expectations for yourself.
Today, even ‘likes’ and ‘follows’ are conditional. Millennials and even more grown up kids have the ‘I’ll follow you if you follow me’ mentality. Check out the ratio of likes and follows to someone’s Instagram account. Someone will have 10k followers and 50 likes. Oh how we get high off those likes. How did they get those 10k followers? They paid a third party Instagram “bot” to like photos for them so whoever they liked would go to their profile and follow them. These bots will even follow someone until they follow you back and then unfollow them right after. Even computers are conditional. Why do we feel we need fake followers? Does it give us more power than those with less?
Why did an entire industry know Harvey Weinstein was a pig, yet no one truly spoke up? Were they scared to lose their followers? Is that what it’s come down to? Appearing cool, pretty, and famous like everyone else.
Listen & Read, then Think.
This track goes with this article, feel it. Listen. Kronos Quartet G Song by Terry Riley
The Human Condition.
Circumstance within. To build muscle and strength, you must condition your body by moving and consuming consciously. To know more, you must simply listen, learn, and experience more. Nothing is free, it’s the way of life. A plant needs water and sun to grow, that’s the condition. The earth needs plants to cleanse the air. Humans need plants for air and food, so they have to make sure plants exist. Love is everything, humans need love to survive, and even that too is conditional. Somehow we’ve mistaken fame and social status for love. We’ve be blinded by the lights.
Gifts
Are there a such thing as gifts? They say “When you give a gift, don’t expect something in return.” Some people are able to do this, but how do you feel when you receive something with no expectations? Do you feel the need to give back or “gift” back. Maybe, most nice people do and that’s just nice. Maybe the only thing you can give back is friendship or even just saying ‘thank you,’ but one should be careful on how they give and receive in today’s world of being best friends today and worst enemies tomorrow. Is it wrong to decline a gift to simply not feel the need to owe someone something? If you receive a birthday gift, most would feel odd to not give one back. What happens if you kindly decline a gift but still hope for a friendship? What if someone has already paid for the gift and it’s non-refundable? Is it possible to set gifting boundaries? People with power are often gate keepers, be careful about what gates you enter and what you would do to enter them.
Life
What do you wish for? How bad do you want it? What are the conditions. Everything comes with a price.
Not everyone has a choice in a world built on trade and commodity. Survival used to be training your body to hunt and to live in gathered packs and to share. Even sharing is conditional, we all have to play our part. Now survival is getting a 9 to 8 job just to pay bills and shit.
We’re a stressed out economy and community. Stress comes from one thing, it’s simple, expectation. Fuck expectations. Fuck Harvey Weinstein. Fuck people thinking they are owed.
The Last Gen
If you’re part of The Last Gen, then you’re experiencing a lot of weird worldly pressure that you probably don’t want but are finding you don’t have a choice. You do have a choice. Know you owe nothing to no one. It’s true.
You may have student loans and it sucks, but internally, your thoughts, mind, and body are yours. You don’t have to show up to a party if you want don’t to, you don’t have to receive a gift from someone you barely know, you don’t have to smile to a guy who was a dick to you, you don’t have to have fake friends, you don’t have to be treated like shit at work, and you don’t owe anyone a “like” or follow.
Unfortunately we live in a time where people’s egos have exploded. If you don’t like a photo, aren’t politically correct, post something out of the norm, or wear a chicken suit (unless you have 100k plus followers), then overnight you’re on the out. FOLLOW your gut intuition. If someone or something rubs you the wrong way, but you don’t want to offend anyone, then fucking stop right now and realize that you have one really short life, what you do every moment matters, thoughts become things, and you don’t have to be and do anything you don’t want to. You are more powerful then you think.
Origins
The first step to recovery is identifying the problem. Everyone’s story is different on why they feel indebted. Know where this comes from, identity it, then let it go but never forget. We all make mistakes, many of us have abused power, and all of us have shown weakness… It’s important to be kind to yourself and respect yourself and others. In almost every industry, there will be a giant pig that no one stands up to and it’s unfortunate it happens in an industry that controls the world’s culture. There is a time and place to be strategic and attack back, but know that no one was ever heard by not making noise. No one was ever remembered or written about by doing and saying nothing.
Why do you feel you owe? Say it out loud. Now punch it in the balls (sorry men, we all know ball punching hurts, so it’s a great analogy)… But seriously, punch it in the fucking balls. Imagine Harvey Weinstein’s fat ugly nasty balls, try not to puke, and karate chop dat shit.
Personal Origins of Owing
“You owe me nothing”
said Jordan a.k.a. Casper, this guy I went on a few dates with from Bumble.
That stuck with me. For the first time ever, someone who I felt I owed something to just because he took me on a date and was nice said it, I owed him and no one nothing. It’s a timely tale, chicks complaining that they had to sit through a whole date with a dick because a guy bought them drinks. Don’t be that girl. My mother taught me to be nice to everyone and even after everything I’ve been through, I struggle to say no.
“American’s start their true live’s out in debt.”
Several years ago, I sat with a Lebanese Princess, like for real, and she said those words and they too stuck with me. We had went to the same bullshit three years grad program filled with false promises and entitled abuse of film industry power bureaucracy (cough USC School of ‘Cinematic’ Arts cough). There sat two young intelligent women, one who owed nothing and the other who would owe a fuck ton of money for her whole life thereafter to banks for her education. Whoever said money didn’t buy happiness was wrong. When you no longer have to worry about money is when you can be free to just worry about yourself and what you truly want. Since, the Lebanese Princess has gone on to start several successful companies and remains a beautiful woman who deserves everything. Since, I well… am finally starting my life. With interest, I owe significantly more money now then I did when we had that conversation and since I’ve learned that I really owe nothing and don’t give a fuck. I am not a victim.
I used to wake up crying and my stomach would be in knots knowing a debt-free-homeless-man was worth more than me. How terrible is it that the land of the free and home of the brave would allow any young American to put themselves in a hole before they truly starting their lives off. Although people and ‘news’ outlets report on student loan debt, no one truly talks about it and what it does to someone. It makes people feel worthless, like they are setup to fail and because of this, those brilliant bright young minds settle for less just because they have to pay money to a bank. It effected every aspect of my life, I thought I was completely worthless and as a result I couldn’t say no, not to men, not to my employers, and not to literally anyone. I was a doormat. I had a client for 6 years I could never say no to. I had started to work for her when I was a student, so getting paid anything at the time was awesome. Years after graduating and truly becoming a professional, she made me feel like I owed her and in result I barely made any money and felt beneath someone who couldn’t do half of what I could. She gave me gifts when she couldn’t pay me much and used recommending me for doing a good job as a ‘gift’ and favor. Every-time I tried to ask to be paid more (like $50 more at a crazy low rate), she used her power by questioning my loyalty and our friendship again and again; this went on for years. “You’re not loyal.” I felt shamed and scared that she might tell people I wasn’t loyal, so I did more free and discounted work for her. I loved her as a friend, so I thought she had my best interest at heart. In ways she was a friend, she was there for me during a very hard time in my past life, but then used that time against me. The day I finally said no, she told me I owed her and had no loyalty and to never talk to her again, but little did she know, no one fucking owed her and I’m only loyal to myself. No bitch, that’s not how it works, I am not your dog. Recommending someone who works hard does not mean they owe you. She continues to post and preach to thousands of people about supporting artists, women’s rights, and following your heart, and they all eat it up. This situation helped me realize that my mind was mine and not her or my loans could take that.
Yes, taking student loans out was my choice, but was it? I started taking loans out when I was 16 because I skipped two grades and wanted a better life for myself. I was never taught what an interest rate was or anything about finances or taxes. I was just told that college would lead to a better life. How is it high schools require algebra 2, something no one uses, but not how to do taxes, something every American has to file each year? When I took my first loan out, it was so easy. I filled out some form online and like anyone with a 100 page contract, you just sign your name. I was 16. Before you know it, I’m 21 and in the most expensive grad school in the country… I was just too young. When I finished grad school I was required to take a 3 hour online “LOAN EXIT COUNSELING” course, which explained what an interest rate was and how it mimics mitosis in time and what would happen if I didn’t pay my loans. Why was there no “LOAN ENTER COUNSELING?” Yeah fuck you and fuck that and fuck my loans and fucking owing. I scratch no one’s back cause that shit is nasty. Debt doesn’t change who a person is. You are what you think.
What did my student loans to do me? They fucking made me! I developed a shield to not giving a fuck. I feared owing so much that it was either become a hooker as a side job or charge my own interest, literally charge forward. I never understood why I felt weird about receiving gifts. It’s not that I felt unworthy by any means, it’s that I felt owned. It’s important to know how to receive and know who is the giver. If you don’t know the giver, why would you receive? If someone compliments you, receive it. Just remember that everything is conditional and to trust your gut. Everyone’s gut was right about that Hollywood pig, why no one could say “no” goes back to superficial fears and probably feeling like they owed him or owed someone that knew him.
Recently, I’ve been tested by the universe. I made a promise to myself that I would no longer owe anyone anything and that I would not take on any work that did not progress me. I’m an artist and am very sensitive to energies. To be creative, I have to feel in control and have to constantly remind myself that I’m the only one that can take that away.
After launching The Last Gen, my friendships have been tested and I’ve felt insecure about offending people I barely know simply because we’re Facebook friends. I’ve even been unfriended by people and a-fucking-men to that, they owe me nothing and I owe them nothing. TLG has already reached unexpected people in unexpected beautiful places and I’m so grateful, but at the end of the day I am not writing for them, I’m writing and putting my stories out there for me. Suddenly, I started to get private messages from several people inquiring about more personal information and I felt because they read TLG, I owed them something. It made me want to crawl in a hole and not be open on TLG in fear I’d have to explain myself after every post. Everyone has been so kind, but does that mean I have to be giving? No. I had to remind myself that I didn’t owe anyone. TLG is mine, I’ve work my entire life for it, and I can’t let that be taken away. Whoopi Goldberg, a black woman who gave herself a jewish last name to be accepted in the film industry said, “I took my power.” I’m taking mine, even if people don’t like it. I don’t give a fuck who I make angry and if I ever encounter another Harvey Weinstein, and I HAVE, I’m gonna hit that fucker where it hurts.
In the past few weeks, I was given several gifts from different people, many I barely knew. They were almost all gifts I did not feel comfortable accepting because they all did come with conditions. Even if these conditions were not formally said, they were internally felt. I am making the conscious decision to no longer receive gifts, services, favors if gut tells me there is a price… there is almost always a price.
Giving makes me feel good. It’s self serving. When I give, there are conditions, but they are conditions with myself. I seldom ask or want anything in return when I give, but I also am making more conscious decisions on how I give as I never want someone to think they owe me.
Remember, the present is the present and being present will always be my gift.
The only person you owe anything to is yourself.
Who do you owe? Yourself.
What do you owe? Yourself.
What can you say? No.
That is freedom. That is the Human Uncondition.
The pigs do not deserve to be mentioned on The Last Gen and cannot have me or anyone fucking else. The pigs wouldn’t be able to see beyond their names anyways. Maybe that’s why so many women didn’t say anything, why let someone have you, don’t let anyone steal your dreams.
Me too.
Update: All these Me Too stories have really hit me where it hurts. I have made the decision to write the CEO of the company All3media about my harassment experience and the abuse of power that occurred when I was an employee. I was verbally harassed, worked beyond my job description, hit on, discriminated against for my age and over education, and intimidated to a point that it resulted in a physical injury. I was then told it was my fault and encouraged to keep my mouth shut to survive in the film industry. I quit this job, felt shame and buried it until today; the day women in the film industry showed bravery and came out. Originally the letter, name of the CEO, and my harassers was posted here, right below, but sadly, I don’t want to be sued or bullied, and I have no need to open pandora’s box into the past. Tonight, I consulted with my lawyer she said as long as everything I said was true, I have every right to name names; that is the first amendment. The truth is the truth. This is the problem, women and men are scared of companies and people with power. They fear being bullied more and it shuts them up. They fear that everything they’ve worked for will be taken away. Shame on anyone who exerts the abuse of power. The irony, this company should be afraid of me. We exist in America, the land of lawsuits and the viral. I have moved on with my life and must look after my own well being, I owe that to myself. I know who I am and what I want, and I only care about the future. Life is not fair and nice people don’t always win, so this is my way of protecting myself. I questioned if I was a coward before removing my letter, but no, that is not what I am. I’m smart and a human being. I got what I wanted from my letter. A warrior knows when to strike, and knows when to fall back. The bigger battle is ahead and much more important for me to fight in. After sending my letter, HR of the company reached out to me with the expected generic email requesting to speak. It’s unfortunate their leader couldn’t show leadership and speak to me for himself, even behind a computer. A company is only as strong as it’s CEO. I OWE THEM NOTHING. I’ve said what I needed to say and have nothing left to give them. Now they KNOW MY NAME AND THAT YOU CANNOT DISMISS ME. With over 550 reads and counting in less than 24 hours on a site created solely by one person who was told she didn’t have what it took, it proves people are seeking the truth. It is getting harder for assholes to hide. Thank you to all the woman who have bravely shared their stories and have come out. It’s spine-chilling to be vulnerable and open, but standing up for who you are is everything and that’s freedom. ❤️Sending love & light!
Who do you owe? Yourself.
What do you owe? Yourself.
What can you say? No.
One person can make a difference.
🙏🏽 thank you for reading.
Perhaps I’ll post the letter again tomorrow, my lawyer thinks I should “stick to my guns.” So check back! You all know I have bi-polar-social-media-disorder. Post. Delete. Post. Post. Delete. Keepin’ you on your toes since 1988. 👊🏽
Subscribe. Paper trail kids, stay old school and always save the paper trail. Writing is everything.
